


Cabinet Man

by Space_gays_that_arent_in_space



Category: Naruto
Genre: Adopted Children, Adopted Sibling Relationship, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Relationships, Drug Abuse, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Minor Kiba Inuzuka/Kankurou, Minor Nara Shikamaru/Temari, Mixtape, Mutual Pining, Pining, Platonic Cuddling, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:48:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 27,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25303330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Space_gays_that_arent_in_space/pseuds/Space_gays_that_arent_in_space
Summary: I am Rock Lee, and as your sponsor I am prepared to drop everything if you ever need me. I promise. I hope you will think of me as a friend and comrade rather than just some sort of strange guy.His smile was endearing in a way that made Gaara nervous, like he was dealing with someone who had never felt hatred before, it almost scared him if he were to be honest.All Gaara managed out was his own name and a nod.He and Lee exchanged numbers and his only thoughts during the train ride home was what Lee had said to him.A friend, what a joke.Like he would ever let someone likethatinto his life.
Relationships: Gaara/Rock Lee
Comments: 96
Kudos: 127





	1. Return

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Naruto fic after binging the show for a month straight and really all I can say is that I hope you like it!

There was a tenseness that came with seeing Temari and Kankuro’s faces for the first time in three months, especially when the last time that the three of them had all been together was taken into account. It was fair to say that Gaara tried his best _not_ to take it into account though. Instead, he thought about how he hadn’t worn shoelaces since the day before that night, or how he would finally be allowed back in his own room where he could lock the door and lay in bed all day, or how he would be able to have his phone, though it wasn’t like he’d done much anything on it before it had been taken away from him. 

The car ride was quiet, Kankuro playing some stupid rock song that he was sure he had been blasting until before he got into the car. Temari was picking at the hole in her jeans and occasionally looking in the rearview mirror to make sure that-well, Gaara wasn’t actually sure of what she was looking for. He watched as they went through the drive-thru of the pharmacy, picking up the medication he’d been prescribed. Gaara had expected himself to be a lot more excited than he had felt in that moment. After all, he was finally out, he ought to be celebrating, but instead all he really wanted was a nap in a bed with comfortable sheets and a shower where the door wasn’t required to be open, and that was just what he got. 

Dinner with Temari and Kankuro was less awkward than the car, Temari being the one to break the awkward silence by saying she and Shikamaru had gone out on a date the week before and Gaara saying he had no idea who the hell Shikamaru was. It made Temari laugh, and Gaara found himself surprised by the fact that he was smiling, though only faintly. 

After that, dinner was the most pleasant it had ever been for Gaara, rather than sulking quietly and listening to Kankuro and Temari interact, he managed to inject himself a few times into the conversation. Though he wouldn’t admit it out loud, it felt _good_ , surprisingly so. 

Gaara found his shower more enjoyable than anything else, locking the creaky door in their old house felt like second nature even if it had been months since he had had the chance to do so. 

He stood there for a long time, beneath piping hot water that occasionally shot out in an extra spurt. He took his time washing his hair, lathering it in his old cinnamon and mint shampoo that seemingly hadn’t been touched since the last time he used it. The smell wafted through the bathroom and somehow Gaara felt whatever tenseness that had been with him _finally_ dissipate. Hell, he practically fell into bed after his shower, sleeping until late morning. 

It was only after sleeping that Gaara remembered what he had said to Kankuro and Temari while he was…..away. He had made a promise to them, a promise that he would be better because he had realized that he wanted to finally care and be cared for. It had been a plea to them then, a plea for them to love him even after all the shit he had done, which really had been quite a lot. 

Temari had cried when she heard it, Kankuro had hid the fact that he did it once he was out of Gaara’s line of sight. It was the only visit Gaara had let them have, every other one he rejected. He knew that it seemed counterproductive, but he also knew that if he didn’t make sure that he really _could_ be the kind of person others would deem important enough to care about he would end up living in a house where everyone was still just as terrified to set off the ticking time bomb that was Gaara Before. 

Gaara looked at his dresser, everything was just as it had been except for a new addition. Either Temari or Kankuro had put the bag from the pharmacy in his room. In the bag was a small, cylindrical, orange bottle full of pills. He sighed, the directions already playing through his head on loop. 

_Two every morning, make sure not to drink with them, and if you’re feeling like they aren’t working you can always call. Here’s my card._

Gaara took the pills dry, they tasted like chalky shit. 

He picked up his phone, which was on the floor next to his dresser, the screen cracked as all hell and battery dead. 

He spent the day charging his phone and listening to his old music in his room, the door locked and shut just by the virtue of knowing that he could do so. He looked for any sort of new hobby to pick up that interested him and was met with nothing. 

That was sort of how Gaara spent his first two months at home, doing nothing. 

He spent much of his time accompanying his siblings places, he once saw the mysterious Shikamaru from the window near the door when he picked up Temari for a date, but outside of that there really wasn’t anything Gaara found himself participating in. He was nineteen, he very well could enroll in school, though he was sure that that would only end in him dropping out, or being sent _back_. Which was the last thing that he wanted. He considered a part-time job, which seemed more reasonable, save for the part that involved having to speak with anyone outside of his direct family. 

Then, he was presented with what he was going to do to get him out of the house, once a week on Fridays at 6pm to be more exact, was group therapy. It was at the community center on the farther end of the city, which really sounded like a pain in the ass seeing as Gaara had no clue how to drive, but Temari was insisting and he didn’t actually have it in him to turn her down. 

That was how he ended up here, sitting in a room, in a circle of chairs, with a bunch of strangers who made him just want to curl up in the ground and sleep forever. He knew how dramatic he seemed, but the idea of having to come here every week and actually _talk_ to these people was just-before Gaara had the chance to finish the thought, he was met by the group leader talking. 

He was saying something about this being a safe place for everyone to talk about their feelings and other bullshit Gaara had tuned out. He tuned out most of the meeting actually. Right until the end when the group leader said something about having sponsors. 

_Think of it as someone who’ll help you get through those times when things seem darkest. All you’ve gotta do is call them, and they’ll be there to help._

The sentiment sounded sweet enough, but Gaara couldn’t imagine putting his trust into someone who he would have just met tonight, it was ridiculous, and it only became more ridiculous when he saw who his sponsor was supposed to be. 

He was in an old, deep green t-shirt with some sort of faded logo for some athletic competition from the 80s, it would’ve been nice if it hadn’t been on a guy with the worst haircut and bushiest eyebrows Gaara had ever seen. 

He looked like a joke, and talked like one too, though Gaara wasn’t actually much one to talk on either front. 

_I am Rock Lee, and as your sponsor I am prepared to drop everything if you ever need me. I promise. I hope you will think of me as a friend and comrade rather than just some sort of strange guy._

His smile was endearing in a way that made Gaara nervous, like he was dealing with someone who had never felt hatred before, it almost scared him if he were to be honest. 

All Gaara managed out was his own name and a nod. 

He and Lee exchanged numbers and his only thoughts during the train ride home was what Lee had said to him. 

A friend, what a joke. 

Like he would ever let someone like _that_ into his life.


	2. Growth

Group, Gaara found, was surprisingly easy to tune out of, he just nodded and listened to everyone else who was there, occasionally noting how the faces always seemed to shift a little each week, whether it was due to someone showing up or someone not. One of the few constant faces Gaara was met with was that of Rock Lee, his sponsor. 

Lee always seemed to have this….energy about him. He was always eager to help with menial tasks, such as passing out watered down coffees or handing a tissue to someone who had begun crying. He was promoting the joys of all of the different classes the community center held. Like working out, which was what Lee most often focused on during his rousing speeches about endorphins and relishing in youth, would actually make someone feel better instead of worse. Most of all though, Lee was always harassing Gaara. 

Over text and in person Lee tried to get Gaara to open up to him, no matter the circumstance. Constant texts asking if he’d be coming to group or how his day had been when he wasn’t at group. It was ridiculous. Gaara tried, in the most polite fashion possible, to convey to Lee that they would never actually be _friends_ like he had so hoped, though he was sure it was all just an act Lee was putting up in order to catch Gaara off his guard and do-well, Gaara wasn’t totally sure, but it didn’t matter. 

Gaara only ever responded to Lee’s texts when he asked if he was showing up to group. He didn’t know why Lee kept asking, even if he chose not to come it wasn’t like it should have mattered to Lee. Lee always made it seem like it did though, as if Gaara was a dear friend when they barely knew each other at all. Lee did that a lot, it seemed to be part of his agenda to make Gaara uncomfortable around him. Along with the constant pestering, he always looked at Gaara like he was someone dear to him, and it was the only thing about Lee that actually won him over. He couldn’t help but have a soft spot for things like that, after all, it was really all he wanted. 

That weakness was what got Gaara to agree, after weeks of pestering by the hands of Rock Lee, to go out for dinner with him. Lee, having left him with the easy out of possibly being required home, but that look on his face-in his eyes- was enough to convince Gaara to finally hang out with him after group for once. 

He had texted him about it before, asking Gaara if he wanted to get something to eat or spend time in a park together on a random day of the week, but seemingly had never thought to ask him to his face until that very moment. 

_I would like for you to get dinner with me, I can even drive you home, if you want-or need me too. I remember you mentioning once that you take the train._

The longer Gaara listened to Lee talk, the more he noticed the odd idiosyncrasies he had, like, never using contractions. In all the times that they had spoken-or even when Gaara listened to him talk to other people in the group, he hadn’t heard a ‘can’t, wouldn’t, or even a don’t’ from Lee. He really was an all around weird. From his speech to his look, everything about him screamed weirdo that Gaara should have never even met, let alone been allowed to hang around him. Hell, if he had met Lee _before_...he would’ve probably destroyed him. 

He looked into Lee’s eyes for a moment before finally nodding and with that they were off to the parking lot. 

Lee had a clunker of a car, an old thing that was the same shade of green as a sweatshirt he was often seen wearing. 

Lee got into the car first, having to manually unlock it rather than having a button on the keys like everyone else he knew-though everyone else was his brother and sister. 

The inside smelled like car wash air freshener and something that was surprisingly, distinctly Lee. In the backseat was a large black fabric bag that’s smell wafted into the front seat, though only faintly. Gaara was certain they were gym clothes. 

They drove in silence save for Lee playing music. He made some sort of joke about having to only play cds in the car because he couldn’t connect the bluetooth to his phone. Gaara hadn’t found it funny. 

They ended up at a burger joint that really wasn’t that far from the community center, only ten minutes at max. 

_I will pay for your food. I realize that I must have shocked you with my sudden invitation, and I do not want to cause any other surprises tonight_

Lee looked at him again in that way, the way that made Gaara’s insides twist up and his throat just a little dry. 

Gaara ordered a triple decker burger, large fry, and a large chocolate milkshake, Lee looked at him like he had suddenly become a monster. 

Despite his small frame, Gaara was prone to eating large amounts of food whenever given the chance. He liked the way food tasted, liked how it settled him with a warm, sleepy feeling after eating, and he felt like he had an endless stomach. 

Lee ordered himself a small chicken nugget, small fries, and a bottled water. 

It was awkward, sitting across from each other like that in absolute silence. The only comfort Gaara had in their meal together was that his silence was caused by the bites he took. 

He found himself tense around Lee almost every time they were alone together, even though he was supposedly supposed to trust Lee and call him ‘whenever’. He stared Lee down, he really was his exact opposite. 

Lee was tall, broad and muscular with thick dark hair that made him look like a goof. His fashion taste was that of an aerobics teacher in the 1980s, and he seemed to look at everyone like they had absolute good in their heart. 

Gaara, on the other hand, was scrawny, pale, and looked to the world with absolute scorn. He dressed like a homeless middle schooler and-before he could finish his thought, he was met with his phone buzzing. 

It was Kankuro, asking when he’d be home seeing as group was supposed to have ended fifteen minutes ago, and Gaara should be walking to the train station by now. 

**im eating out.**

**ALONE?!**

**with my sponsor. he asked me to come.**

Gaara didn’t get another text from Kankuro for a long while, and he assumed that he was talking to Temari about it. He expected a text from her, telling him that he was proud or something like that. Gaara sighed, taking a sip of his milkshake. 

Lee ate across from him in silence, though he was obviously itching to say _something._

Gaara took a bite out of his sandwich, staring Lee down. 

_I hope you will not find it rude of me, but I was curious, who were you just texting_

Gaara swallowed his bite, he had already eaten half of his burger. 

_My brother. He asked….if I was on the train yet_ , his voice came out raspy, it always did, and the moment he saw Lee’s face he came to a realization. 

This was the most Lee had heard him say. 

Gaara rarely ever spoke in group, and avoided when Lee called him, even when he had ordered, he had simply pointed at what he wanted as if he were a child. 

Lee was biting back a ridiculous grin that made Gaara’s heart wiggle in the same way it always did when he looked at Lee. 

_Would you mind if I asked their names?_

Lee’s voice was giddy. 

_Temari….my sister….and Kankuro_

_I have always been curious about what it would be like to have siblings, the closest I have had are my dear friends, Tenten and Neji_

Gaara nodded, taking a french fry into his mouth. 

They went on like that for a while, Lee asking Gaara different questions and Gaara giving simple answers, then Lee returning with information about himself until all of their food was gone. 

_Wow Gaara, I would have never expected someone of your stature of being capable of eating so much food. I am impressed!_

Gaara felt himself warming up inside, ridiculously enough, It almost felt like he was spending time with a _friend_ rather than someone who was just there to make sure he never went off the deep end again. 

Lee drove him home, spending the car ride talking about how his apartment was much closer to the community center and how he respected Gaara’s determination to improve despite the distance between him and his goal. 

Gaara stayed quiet, it was too early to admit that the only reason he was going to group therapy was because his sister had asked it of him. 

When Lee dropped Gaara off, Kankuro was the one to greet him at the door, looking almost relieved that Gaara still had his shoes on and smelled only of grease and fried food. 

He watched him wave to Lee, and for some reason felt ashamed of himself, like something embarrassing had just happened even though he had no clue as to what it was. 

Gaara made his way into his room, kicking off his shoes just to fall flat on to his bed. He thought back to the green of Lee’s car. It had been so strangely peaceful, and the scent of the air freshener mixed with Lee’s natural smell made for a calming concoction. Lee was, to Gaara’s surprise, a calming person to be around. Despite all of his wild energy, he somehow made Gaara feel like he could relax around him and maybe, just maybe, put his walls down. 

Lee had seemingly figured Gaara out after that, as long as he asked him in person, Gaara would go out to eat with him after group on fridays. Usually they would play their warped version of twenty questions, with Lee asking Gaara different things about his life and injecting things about his own while he did. 

Gaara told Lee about the mysterious Shikamaru, his growing interest in watching the vines on the side of their townhouse get longer and longer, and Kankuro’s puppetry. It was strange, having someone to tell things like that too, and Lee made him feel like he actually cared. 

It was nerve inducing, really. 

When Gaara found a job at a plant nursery near his house, Lee was the first person he texted rather than Temari or Kankuro, and the message of: 

**That is fantastic! :)**

Meant more than a message from either of his siblings ever could have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was really fun to write! Also thank you all so much for the support!!! I didn't actually expect this to get as much attention as it has and it makes me happy!


	3. Flourish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, writing this chapter was a surprising amount of struggle, but I really appreciate all of the positive feedback this fic is getting!!!

Work was more difficult than Gaara had expected. 

He was forced into waking at the ass crack of dawn, making sure to eat, take his meds, and dress himself before taking the bus to the nursery. On the bus he texted Lee, who was seemingly always up at this hour doing some sort of ridiculous workout. Gaara didn’t know when he started texting Lee during his commute, but he didn’t mind either. Talking to Lee had become a hobby, just like obsessing over the plants in the nursery and shooting to finish every movie on Netflix. 

When Gaara thought of his life now, he found himself almost afraid of how normal it had become. He had a friend that he spent time with, he watched Netflix, had a job, it was like every year before this one had never happened. Temari had even talked about having Shikamaru over to meet him and Kankuro. It was like nothing had ever happened, or maybe it hadn’t. Gaara would only occasionally allow himself moments of that, pretending like what had happened ten months ago hadn’t actually happened. It was nice to live like that, until he was met with old reminds, whether it be scars on his arms from the glass or piles of sand that were shaken out of laundry he found under his bed from that night, or even just staring too long in the bathroom cabinet, seeing the exact spot where he grabbed that bottle from. When he was met with those thoughts though, he tried to push them away, remember the relative normalcy he lived in and how...pleasant….it was. 

The bus ride took about twenty minutes, too short for every time he and Lee talked really. He had almost started to prefer his commute to group just because of how much time he had to talk to Lee. He never really acknowledged his infatuation with Lee. Besides, it was normal, caring for your friends. Gaara’s care seemed to manifest strangely though, like constantly thinking about Lee. In the months since they had begun spending time together, Gaara genuinely never went a full hour without thinking about him. Whether it be the fact that Lee had bought CDs for songs Gaara had showed him to play in his car when they were together or taking Gaara out whenever he so much texted in a way that seemed off, or even just the way Lee’s hair looked at the last meeting, he was always thinking of him. Neither Temari or Kankuro had said anything about these feelings he had, though Gaara was always sure to never totally convey the depth of them. If anything, they were glad he was relying on his sponsor like he was supposed to. 

They seemed especially glad when Gaara, for the first time since he had returned, seemingly ‘lost it’ and Lee was there for him. Of course, that was to put it in simple terms. Professionally, Gaara had been told by Lee he was having a depressive episode, though it had been nowhere near as severe as what Gaara remembered them feeling like. Instead, he was quieter, which was a feat even for him. Occasionally, when he did speak, he was snappy, cruel, like a shadow of what before had been like. Temari and Kankuro were worried, kept asking him if he had taken his meds, but that just made Gaara even angrier with them. Angry enough that he stormed out of the house, he knew that they were probably scared when he left, every single action and word traded then too reminiscent of before. The only difference was, Gaara, rather than running off in the night to stew, called Rock Lee. 

The phone call was awkward, stunted on Gaara’s end, but Lee offered to buy Gaara something to eat and Gaara couldn’t help but agree. 

That night lived prominently in Gaara’s mind, he had opened up to Lee in a way that he hadn’t even imagined doing to some paid professional, and Lee had understood. He _heard_ Gaara, in all his fucked-upness and Gaara couldn’t help but find that strange twist Lee gave him crack into warmth. 

He walked into the nursery, turning on the overhead lamps and doing an initial walkthrough and checking on his favorites. He worked in the plants from drier climates, desert plants to be more specific. He looked at the cacti he had been monitoring since he had first begun working there, a patch of marigolds, and his absolute favorite, a patch of apricot mallows he had planted a week prior. It was stupid, how much he cared about the little things, but to know that he had something that needed him made Gaara feel good. 

He covered watering and weeding. When his supervisor showed up, he was sent to do potting. It was an easy routine to fall into really. He was surrounded by living things that both expected nothing of him and relied on him to live, and rarely did he have to interact with others, save for the occasional visitor asking where something was. 

During his lunch break, Gaara got plenty of texts from his siblings checking up on him. Their care was sweet but he couldn’t help but feel patronized. He knew that they didn’t text each other like this at work, only Gaara, and yet he still responded to them before they got concerned. Despite his siblings’ pestering, Gaara still enjoyed his lunch break for one reason, once again, it was Lee. 

Lee had, stupidly, memorized his work schedule. He was prone to doing things like that in the case of Gaara, finding out his work schedule or favorite food or hobbies based sheerly off of their conversations. Always displaying that he had been paying attention to what Gaara said rather than just tuning him out, it was pleasant. Of course there were differences in said schedule, days off during the week, which shift he was on, but Lee had seemingly figured it out on most days of the week, meaning that he, too, texted Gaara during his lunch break. 

**Gaara, hello! I know it is your break, and in knowing that I felt I should send you a message! What are you having for lunch today?**

**a pizza.**

Gaara took a picture of it, covered in plenty of toppings and once again appearing to be far too much food for himn. Lee had gotten used to it by now though and often praised Gaara for his ability to eat so much. He found Lee’s wonder at his appetite unnerving, though he often found himself feeling that way about most things about Lee. 

His phone buzzed as he was taking a bite out his first slice. 

**It looks delicious! I am getting lunch with Neji and Tenten, we are having sushi!**

Gaara winced, hearing about Lee’s roommates always made him feel an uneasy twist that he hated. Every feeling Lee gave him by simply being himself was inverted when he brought up those two. He knew he was strange, feeling territorial like this over someone he had only really known for a few months, yet Gaara could never stop the horrible sinking feeling he got when Lee said their names. It reminded him of the fact that the two of them knew each other from group, that Lee had been assigned to watch over Gaara. Lee wanted Gaara to _think_ of him as a friend, not to actually _be_ one. 

**cool.**

Gaara put his phone face down, taking another bite from his slice of pizza. He only had lunch break for an hour, he needed to eat rather than fretting over whether his and Lee’s friendship was real or fake. 

The rest of his day at work was spent in something of a mental haze, thinking of only Lee. He didn’t know what to do, how to think, he felt himself fraying around the edges, and by the time Lee was texting him on the bus ride home, he had to turn his phone off. He scrubbed his face with his hand, letting out a sharp huff. This was the first time he had dealt with feeling like this, and he hated the idea that feeling so horribly strange was just a part of having relationships with other people. 

His return home was punctuated with him discarding his bag, jacket, and shoes in a pile by the door and falling on to the couch beside a Temari who was watching some sort of reality tv show. 

_What’s wrong with you?_

She seemed passive, her eyes never once wavering from the screen to look at Gaara, who had slowly slumped down in his place on the couch. Gaara met her with a long sigh, and somehow that had her perked up and at attention. 

_Did something happen with that friend of yours?_

Gaara didn’t often talk about Lee with his siblings, but he knew very well that the two of them knew how fond Gaara was of him. After all, he was a former shut in who was constantly going out just because some eccentric guy with bushy eyebrows was asking him to. Gaara looked back at Temari, the expression she had was gentle, caring. Gaara almost wanted to tell her about how poorly the second half of his day had gone, instead he kept it short. 

_His roommates, when he talks about them. I don’t like it. I find myself....frustrated_

He considered his words carefully while he spoke, making sure to reveal just enough to get Temari’s read on the situation. When he looked at her face, she seemed giddy almost, like she knew something that Gaara didn’t. 

_You’re really fond of this guy, aren’t you Gaara?_

All Gaara could do was nod. 

_Do you sometimes…..wish you could be closer to him, physically I mean. Y’know, like the way that I talk about hugging Shikamaru?_

She was smirking, but all Gaara could think about was all the times that Lee had accidentally brushed against him, or squeezed him too tight during one of the few hugs that Gaara had allowed him. How different-good-they had felt compared to every other time in his life where someone had laid a hand on him. It was strange. Lee was constantly making him feel strangely, and yet Gaara never minded. 

Gears turned in Gaara’s head as he thought about Lee, and he realized, very easily, _why_ Temari had compared him and Lee to her and Shikamaru. 

Gaara cared for Lee how Temari cared for Shikamaru, and the idea made him feel like someone had just set himself on fire in the best and worst ways possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually really excited to write the next chapter, I've been plotting four since I started on chapter one.


	4. Bloom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was really weird to write, but a nice way to end something of the shitty day I just had lmao

Upon figuring out that his feelings for Lee were...romantic, Gaara found them even more difficult to deal with than before. He thought of Lee more often when doing things, thought of what he liked and had grown to like about him. When he was washing the dishes after dinner it was that Lee seemed like the kind of guy who would help out with those sorts of things ,when he was at work it was that Lee seemed to have an appreciation for nature, and late late at night, when he was too tired to watch tv in the living room but too awake to go to sleep, he imagined what Lee would feel like beside him. Tonight was one such night. 

Some-most if he was being honest with himself-nights if he truly couldn’t keep Lee from his mind, he found the daydream became more vivid. He imagined how his breath would feel against the back of his neck, how his weight would cause the old mattress to creak and sink, Gaara knew well that Lee would be the type to cuddle, clinging close as his sturdy chest pressed up against Gaara’s frail frame. He could imagine how strong and warm he would be all over, his pajamas would be sparse most likely, boxers and another one of his wacky t-shirts. 

Gaara smiled at the thought, the cuddling was always sweet in his mind, full of gentle breaths and chaste touches, until it wasn’t anymore. Gaara could never pinpoint when it happened, or when it had become a habit, but the cuddling that had been all honeyed whispers and exploratory caresses became headier. It left a poor taste in Gaara’s mouth whenever he snapped out of his fantasy. He couldn’t help but constantly wonder what Lee would think of him if he knew, but he didn’t know, and it needed to stay that way. For all Gaara knew, Lee wasn’t even gay. He had expressed support after Gaara had mentioned that Kankuro had a crush on one of Shikamaru’s friends that he had been introduced to. Though he couldn’t remember his name, he was sure it had something to do with dogs. Gaara thought about what Lee had said to him that day, wiping his hands on a nearby shirt of his. 

_I hope that things with Kankuro go well. I understand what it is like to feel so strongly for another person._

Gaara was glad that the reaction he got was positive, if not then he knew that things between him and Lee wouldn’t have moved any further forward, though it wasn’t like he knew if Lee was straight or not anyway. He imagined lee being straight, liking that Tenten girl and the two of them being together for the long term while Gaara felt himself dissolve from the sidelines. 

He hated how attached he had become to Lee. 

He was his first friend, first crush,so many important firsts belonged to Lee that Gaara was unsure of how to proceed with the thought that Lee wouldn’t always be there for him like he had been since the beginning. There was a quiet thought though, gnawing in the back of his mind, a thought that always seemed to become worse after Lee mentioned those roommates of his. 

Lee was just pretending. 

Lee was using him. 

Lee wasn’t really a friend, he was just another person who wanted to look at Gaara like he was a monster. 

They were disgusting ideas, ones that he constantly pushed deep deep down into the recesses of his mind rather than giving them any sort of acknowledgement. Lee was one of the kindest people Gaara had met, and to think of him as someone so lowly was painful. 

He rolled on to his back, tossing his dirtied shirt off to the side as he curled under the blankets, his cheeks hot with self disgust. He hated sullying lee’s image, whether it be through his daydreams or his fears. He worried that somehow Lee would find out, even if he never had access to his thoughts. Gaara somehow _knew_ Lee knew what he was doing. It always made the few hugs Gaara allowed more awkward than they had been before, or pre-dinner meetups at the nursery, in which Lee was often dressed in either revealing or skin tight exercise-wear, an exercise in self control for Gaara. 

He sighed, pulling his blanket up to his neck. He found himself sleepier than before, his eyes heavy and limbs moving like they were stuck in water. Sleep was easier than thought anyway, Gaara knew that better than anyone. 

Gaara awoke to the sound of his alarm at five. He needed to get up, he had the opening shift which meant catching his bus on time, but he had something far more important to take care of. 

He climbed out of bed with a grunt, going around the house and watering the plants he had brought home before heading into the kitchen. The most important thing that he needed was sat right on the linoleum countertop, his phone. Sitting on the counter, he pulled up his messages with Lee, a ghost of a smile playing at his lips as he saw their goodnight messages from the previous day, 

**good morning.**

**Good morning, Gaara! I understand that you have the day off tomorrow, am I correct?**

**yes.**

**Fantastic! Would you like to see a late movie together?**

**ok.**

**Can I come to get you at 9?**

**ok.**

**Great! I will send you further details later! :)**

Gaara bit the inside of his cheek, the thought of going to a movie with Rock Lee made his head swim with warmth, though that had seemingly become his reaction to everything Rock Lee did around or for him. 

Gaara spent his day in an almost excited haze thinking of tonight. He and Lee had gone to see movies together before, of course, but each time was seemingly better than the last, or perhaps that was simply his affection for Lee growing with each ugly snort or scared expression he made depending on who had picked what they were watching. 

It was Lee’s turn this time meaning probably a (romantic) comedy, or an action movie. Those were always his picks, except for on nights where he was feeling introspective or experimental, then he would pick a foreign or indie film that was heavy in dialogue. He almost had a gift for finding those kinds of movies, the ones that made Gaara feel like all of his attention was drawn to the center of the screen, on the edge of his seat as he waited for the next line of dialogue. If those movies somehow always prompted that sorrowful twitching in his chest that was only prompted when he thought about Before, it didn’t, and if Lee was always there to hold him when he found himself inexplicably crying, once again he didn’t. 

Gaara diverged from the norm for his lunch break, greatly desiring a walk in order to clear his head that was so clouded with thoughts of Lee. 

He walked into a vegan restaurant. He didn’t remember much about it, only that Lee endorsed it over and over again. He sighed, realizing that he had only made the issue worse. 

_And then she said, young hero, you will never become stronger if you...if you…_

Gaara had begun to find himself hearing things now, there was no way that Lee was in this restaurant right now. No way at all. If he was at the restaurant then he would have texted Gaara that he was in the area, that he could spend time with him during his lunch break. He looked around the restaurant and hated what he was met with on what was practically his first turn. 

A head of thick, shiny black hair in a stupid bowl cut. More specifically, the back of that stupid bowl cut, and the faces of two gorgeous, strong looking people. He knew their faces easily having seen plenty of pictures of them from Lee, Tenten and Neji. 

Gaara felt something in the back of his throat, bile hot as lava that made him want to _hurt_. 

He stood there for a short moment, listening to their conversation. It was something about a tv show or a movie maybe. The girl, Tenten, was getting frustrated with Lee’s arduous explanation of something that should have been easy to explain according to Neji. 

They all looked so lovely in the sun, and there was something about the way Lee held himself with them, so relaxed that it was almost unnerving. He kept his posture straight while in the chair, but he could tell that he was laughing a lot, he could hear it. He could imagine the grin he had while he did. It made the feeling in Gaara’s throat even worse, and he felt like his mind was going static. 

He could hear those stupid thoughts all over again. 

_He’s just your sponsor_

_There’s no real chance that he’s even interested_

_He’s probably ashamed to be associated with such a monster_

A monster. 

That’s right, Gaara had nearly forgotten what he was, a monster. Almost a year since that day had passed, and Gaara knew well that no matter how much time passed, nothing would ever cover up what he had done that day. Hell, even the neighbors still hated him for it. 

Gaara stepped out of the restaurant, the bell on the door jingling distantly. 

He somehow managed to return to work, finishing off his shift at four on the dot. Rather than taking the bus home, he started walking. The haze still hadn’t left him, and somewhere far away he couldn’t help but wonder if he had taken his medication this morning. It wasn’t like it mattered though, it wasn’t like anyone but Temari and Kankurou would care. 

Hell, _would_ they even care? They would probably be happy to be free of Gaara finally, rather than having to put up with Gaara’s body taking up space that could be used for just about anything else. 

He almost felt a sense of deja vu, thinking like this. The dark spiral he found himself falling through a familiar sort of comfort as he realized what a fake life he had created for himself. As much as he tried, he could never really run away from what he did, not when it was on his record, not when his body was covered in scars from it. No matter what he did, Gaara would always be the boy from that troubled house. 

It really was like that day all those months ago, though this time probably wouldn’t end in property damage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really excited to write chapter five, the big reveal of what Gaara did haha! I hope it meets expectations. If anyone, like, read this portion of everything, I would love to hear theories!!!


	5. Wilt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter you've all been waiting for, at least, I've been waiting for it. I hope what caused Gaara to get put in inpatient care lives up to whatever expectations you guys had

Ten months ago. It was strange to think that a time that felt so far away hadn’t even happened a year ago, but it had, and Gaara knew well that it had. He remembered that day with a scary amount of clarity, especially with how out of it he had been. 

It was cold outside, frost covering up Gaara’s window as he woke up when it was already dark once again. He hadn’t seen the sun in at least a week, always up just long enough to see the long nights that blanketed his every action. It almost felt like his existence-covered in an opaque black sheet that would never let up no matter what he did. It was painful really. 

He had woken up to the same darkness that he always did, already tired and not in the mood, though when was he in the mood? There was a pain in his skull, a pain that reached from the backs of his eyeballs all the way down to the base of his neck, his mood somehow sinking even further. Some days, when he wasn’t in the mood, it felt like he was being consumed by a bottomless pit, so lonely that he knew nobody in the world would be able to pull him from it, and if he tried to pull himself he only sunk deeper, like quicksand. Today though, today was a different sort of day, today he was angry. He was angry at the sound of cars driving past his room, and angry at Temari’s voice, and angry at the _clunk_ , _clunk_ , _clunk_ sound that Kankurou’s stupid fucking puppets made. 

He laid in bed like that for a long time, listening and creating a list in his mind of every single thing he hated, he waited for Temari to go to work, not wanting to see her face. He knew that if he saw her he may lose it, Kankurouu’s face was something he could barely handle, though he knew he wouldn’t be leaving at all. It was 5:30 in the evening, if Kankurou was going out he would’ve left already. 

Gaara climbed out of bed, letting his sheets drag out onto the floor. He only stood for a moment with some feeling of relief before he was met again with that pulsing headache. Of course, of fucking course today would have something like this in store for him when all he wanted was one peaceful fucking day. A day where his mind would shut up-where he didn’t feel like committing violence against everyone and everything that existed, including himself. No, especially himself. 

Before Gaara could register the pain, he saw the scrape of his nails on his inner arm, digging deep into already raw skin. He scratched like that for a while, sat down on his bed as his nails dug deeper and deeper into wounds that were quickly reopening, and yet the pain still didn’t register with him. 

He hated it. 

He wanted to hurt something-someone-break it into pieces and watch as it was irrevocably destroyed. 

He stood from the spot on his bed where he was sitting, his only goal in mind to get rid of this feeling, this desire to destroy. 

Gaara walked to his dresser, using his hands to brace himself on nearby objects. The pain in his skull slowly becoming more and more excruciating. He went to pick up his phone, caseless and vulnerable because he had never gotten it together enough to buy a case. In his stupor, he ended up knocking it on top of something before it fell, screen shattered. It didn’t do anything to sate his need for destruction though, instead it made him angrier, as if he were being teased by the universe. 

He stomped off to the bathroom, rifling through the bathroom closet until he found what he wanted. 

Months ago, Kankurou had broken his nose in an accident pertaining to his puppets, and had been prescribed painkillers for it, though he rarely ever did. Gaara took them though. He took them on days like these, days where the world was much too much, he liked their texture on his tongue, smooth, almost plasticy. When he swallowed them, everything seemed to ease up a little bit more. He needed more than a little though, he needed things to come to a total halt. 

For a split second, Gaara’s rage was quelled by the sight of those pills, his knowledge that they’d make everything easier. He couldn’t take them here though, not when Kankurou was home, not when someone would be there to bother him. He stuck the bottle in the pocket of his pajama pants, heading downstairs totally barefoot. 

Kankurou, as Gaara walked past him, either didn’t see him, or didn’t want to acknowledge what he was doing. He had long learned that trying to police Gaara would end up in nothing but pain, especially when he was having a bad day like this, at least, Gaara hoped he did. One broken nose had been enough for him, even if it had been years ago. 

He walked out of the front door, his feet tingling as he felt the ice beneath his feet. His body felt so overwhelmingly hot in that moment, like he could burn alive. He needed to let the fire out, let the fire out before it burned him alive. 

Once again, his body moved before his mind could register it, and before he knew it he was elbow deep in the shattered glass of their downstairs neighbor’s car window. He could feel the shards of glass digging into his skin, nerves alight with the pain that scratching could never handle. He grabbed one of the shards of glass, throwing it on the ground as relief prickled through him like the pain he was feeling. 

Finally, he had a sense of satisfaction, though minor it was, he felt meekly satisfied in a way he hadn’t been since he’d punched Kankurou in the face so hard that his knuckles bruised and Kankurou threw up from the pain. He had been about sixteen then, closing in on seventeen like a meteor toward a planet, all of his hatred and rage at the world less volatile. For a moment, Gaara couldn’t help but wonder for a moment if he was evil. He had thought about this before, considered the dark needs and wants he had that only ever kept people from getting closer than he could handle. 

It was easier to not think about it, push the thoughts away as he laid curled up in his bed day after day after day, only leaving his rooms for the bare necessities to keep his body from shutting down. He lived a wasteful existence, and he knew that he was bound to waste away in that wasteful existence of his. He had thought about this day plenty of times in his life, thought about when he would finally decide to stop maintaining this body, this life, he had assumed that he would’ve done it much sooner. Eighteen was fine though, being eighteen meant that he didn’t even have to become an old man, decrepit and horrifying small children by looking like the corpse he already felt he was, eighteen meant that he wouldn’t be forced into going out on his twenty-first birthday, eighteen meant that he would die _now_ instead of _later_. 

That moment of easiness, that sweet relief that came with destroying the car window dissipated then, instead replaced by the feeling that this was it, this was the day that he finally completely wasted away. His fury returned then, so intense and in such a flurry that Gaara blacked out, only to be on the beach, arms bloodier than before and a shard of glass gripped so tight that the sand seemed to have been stained red by him and him alone. His arms didn’t hurt despite their injuries, and the sand felt pleasant beneath his feet, buying itself deep into every crevice of his body. Slowly, he reached into his pocket, reaching right for the pill bottle. 

Gaara then, eyes closed, opened the bottle, pouring the contents into his hand. Until, upon opening his eyes, he was met with the sight of his pale palm, no pills inside. He looked at the bottle, empty. He must have taken them in his blackout period, meaning that they had started taking effect already. He sighed, the bottomless pit that he always found himself inside of finally revealing what waited at the end. Death, peaceful and easy and _calm_. 

No more rage. 

No more self hate. 

Just _peace_. 

Those were the thoughts that Gaara had as he shut his eyes, too tired to keep them open anyway. Death was easy, death was surrender from a fight that he had been losing since the day he was born. 

Death wasn’t what happened though. 

Instead of death, Gaara was met with a clean, white hospital room and bandages covering his arms and his feet. In the space that showed his skin, more sickly pale than usual, there was an IV drip. He felt like shit, too tired to fight or ask questions but too awake to let himself fall back into the thoughtless space he had just been in. 

Kankurou and Temari were asleep across from him, sitting in ugly pleather chairs that squeaked with their every shift. More than anything, Gaara could remember how the bandages pressed into his skin. The wounds hurt, even though he was on painkillers he knew they hurt, and that pain kept him from thinking about the implications of what he did, or what he would do from here on out. 

He was kept under hold, repeatedly being interviewed by a psychiatrist who tried to make him open up more than he ever had with himself. When he returned from the hospital, he was in his sand covered pajamas, trailing it with him through the house, like the ghost of what he had done infecting their little apartment. Gaara threw the clothes on top of his hamper, laying down in his bed. 

He slept for what felt like three hours before he was being woken up, he was being taken to inpatient care. It wasn’t surprising to hear, it really was the expected outcome of something like this, but that didn’t mean that he _wanted_ to go. 

As he stood on the beach- _that_ beach, Gaara through of what had changed and what had not, and somehow he managed to make himself walk home. He wanted to _hurt_ , he craved destruction and blood and the rawness of pain, but he couldn’t do something like that again. He couldn’t make Temari pay a fine or have them pay for his stay again, not when he had had to celebrate his nineteenth birthday locked away. Instead, he waited for Lee, waited to confront him. He _needed_ to confront him, for if he didn’t he would destroy himself, and self destruction, though one of Gaara’s best skills, could not be paid for any longer. 

Gaara may have been a monster, but Lee was a liar, and that was plenty worse.


	6. Rot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the longest chapter I've written so far I think and it was honestly heavier than the last one, though I think that's because of how much is going on between Gaara and Lee now, I hope you enjoy! Also, thank you so much to everyone for all the support this fic has gotten

When Gaara made it home, he saw Lee sitting there right on his front steps, like he had been waiting, and when he looked at him, it was obvious that he had been worried. . It didn’t make sense why he would be, at least, it hadn’t until Gaara belatedly remembered that they were supposed to be going to the movies together. He looked at his phone, seeing plenty of missed texts from Lee that spanned over the course of the hour and a half Gaara had seemingly left him waiting. 

Gaara couldn’t help but feel his fingers dig into old scars, like they were opening back up and ready to bleed out on him all over again. He dug his nails into the fabric of his shirt, gripping so tightly that he couldn’t help but wonder if maybe he would end up having to count this as a technical relapse. That wasn’t to say that he didn’t crave the roughness of his nails against his skin, ripping his flesh open for the sake of his own peace of mind, but he held it together, no matter how greatly he desired it, he couldn’t do it here- not in front of Lee, he would wait, wait until he had been set free from the cage these feelings had left him in. 

The way his heart clenched at Lee being worried for him made him pissed. Lee, in the time that Gaara had known him, had always played the nice guy, always played concerned for Gaara’s well being and pretended to have a good time with him when they ate together, all to make sure that Gaara didn’t fly off the handle again. He couldn’t help but wonder if maybe the people who ran group were paying him. 

It made him feel sick to think. 

The idea of Lee doing this all for money was horrible, but he was working two jobs and needed money to pay his share of rent, and it wasn’t like taking care of Gaara wasn’t a job that would probably fetch a hefty paycheck for how much he was to deal with. He remembered when their father had adopted him, free labor from Temari and Kankuro wasn’t something that came often, at least, not until Gaara had picked up the hobby of running out every babysitter sent to care for him. It had been easier to be alone then, easier to push people away than let them in. It hurt to know now that, after finally letting someone in, he was payed back with _hurt_. 

Lee looked at him with utter relief, and he couldn’t help but wonder if that relief was genuine. Lee stood up from the stoop and ran to Gaara, trying to catch him in one of those larger than life hugs of his. He missed, Gaara taking a step to the side and watching Lee almost fall over himself. He saw confusion register on Lee’s face and then concern. Before he even had the chance to win Gaara back over, to let him fall under that spell of smile and false-genuinity, he was speaking. 

_I don’t want to see you anymore_

Gaara’s voice was cold, almost as cold as it had been when they first met, the only real difference in it was the hurt he was masking, the pain that came in knowing that Lee never really had been his friend. Over and over again in his mind played what Lee said the first time that they had met, ‘ _I am Rock Lee, and as your sponsor I am prepared to drop everything if you ever need me. I promise. I hope you will think of me as a friend and comrade rather than just some sort of strange guy._ ’. 

’ _Think of me as a friend and comrade_ ’ 

’ _Rock Lee, your sponsor_ ’ 

Lee spoke out suddenly. 

_Gaara, I am sorry if there has been some sort of misunderstanding or I have offended you but I do not want to stop seeing you! Please, tell me what I have done so that I may apologize properly!_

He looked desperate almost, already approaching Gaara with that pleading look he had whenever he tried to subtly communicate to Gaara that he was too scared to keep watching a horror movie, or even when he wanted to try a bite of what Gaara was having but didn’t quite have the nerve to ask. 

Gaara’s voice was soft as he spoke, raspy as always but caked slightly by the tears he would shed when he was able to press his face into the fabric of his pillow and sob. 

_You lied to me. You lied Lee._

Lee looked confused then, the gears in his head obviously turning as he tried to think of lies he told Gaara. In the end, he shook his head, denying the accusation as if it wasn’t totally true. It stung more that he was being lied to again, especially after he had told Lee so much. 

_Gaara, I have not lied to you, I promise!_

Lee was insistent and that made Gaara angrier, his thoughts were already jumbled as he tried to come up with something coherent to say, and as he did the only noise that he could hear was Lee’s insistence of having always been honest with Gaara. 

He couldn’t take it anymore then, and he shoved Lee to the ground. For as small as he was, Lee stumbled back and did end up planting on his ass, though it was probably because of how off guard he’d been caught. 

_You lied! You’ve never once been honest with me Lee. You always tell me that you understand how I feel but I know that you don’t! I know that you’re just lying so that you can get your money for dealing with crazy people! I bet you’re ashamed to be seen with a monster, aren’t you! I bet that you’d much rather be seen with people who look like Tenten and Neji!_

__

__He sneered at Lee, his face contorted into an ugly scowl as he screamed at him. The neighbors would place a complaint again probably, maybe they’d even ask them to move this time, they were damn close to getting kicked out when Gaara broke the car window, this time could easily be the last that they were willing to put up with their-his shit._ _

__

Lee looked offended, so horribly offended and hurt and angry, when he heard Gaara’s accusation. It was an expression he had never seen on Lee, not when he talked about how horrible littering was or when he told Gaara about the guy who kept harassing Tenten at her job, it was like he had unleashed some sort of beast. Gaara wouldn’t let him speak though, not yet, not when he had more to say. 

__

_Just admit that-_

__

He was cut off with Lee tackling him into the concrete. It hurt, though the reverberation in his skull from the hit of the asphalt grounded him a little more than he would have cared to admit, the pain leaving him something to focus on that wasn’t the ache in his chest. Lee was flushed down to his neck and his brows were bunched up in a mass of black fur. 

__

_Gaara! I do not understand why you are so angry with me! All you have done is accuse me of lying, but I did not lie about anything! And please do not talk about my friends in such a way! I do not understand how I can make it better. I want to apologize, truly, I hate to think that I have hurt you, but never tell me that I do not care! I do not get paid for my work with the group! I do it because I want to help those in need just like I was helped!_

__

Gaara stared up at Lee, at some point when speaking he had started crying, his voice cracking and body shuddering as he spoke with the conviction that had made Gaara become so infatuated with him. It made him angry that Lee was like this, that the honesty in his voice was obvious, and yet he couldn’t let things go, he knew that he couldn’t because there was a gnawing in his brain telling him that Lee didn’t _really_ want to be his friend. That Gaara wasn’t really worth it. Lee would discard him when the time arose and he was no longer of whatever use he had served. It had always been like that for as long as Gaara could remember, unconditional love would always be unfamiliar. 

__

He thought about what Lee, who was pinning him down against the cold of the asphalt beneath him, still shuddering and tearful, said. He had been helped by the group, that sounded ridiculous. Lee was obviously the kind of guy who had always been popular, though sort of dorky, for his entire life. He couldn’t imagine him actually being cast out, even if he was sort of weird. He was strong and made of gold, an adonis with the personality of a gag manga. It was charming and sweet and utterly a breath of fresh air. He tried to imagine Lee being like him, being a loner and isolated and ready to just get it all over with. It seemed almost impossible. 

__

_There’s...there’s no way…_

It came out a lot less sharp than everything else he had said. Looking at Lee now, under the dark of night, he seemed more vulnerable, like something that needed to be protected, even if Gaara was the one who had hurt him. 

Lee looked up at Gaara, and the hurt in his eyes was enough to tell Gaara that he never wanted to see it again. He never wanted to make Lee cry or _hurt_ , same as he felt with Kankurou and Temari. It was almost horrible to think that it took him hurting Lee to figure this out, and yet he still laid there, under his vice grip and watching as Lee calmed down. Slowly, he climbed off of Gaara, helping him up and making sure that he was okay. 

Lee sighed, looking at Gaara with an expectancy that didn’t come as a surprise. He owed Lee an explanation, clarity for Gaara’s ridiculously erratic and self-destructive behavior. He couldn’t totally verbalize it, so instead he took Lee to the stoop and sat him down, right where he had been before. He sat down beside him with a heavy sigh and tried to think, tried to figure out everything his therapist had taught him and how to use it. 

He looked at Lee for a long time, watching how the moonlight brushed his face, he was so lovely. 

_I…...do you actually want to be my friend Lee?_

It was all he could muster, and he could hear the pleading that lay underneath it. He _needed_ Lee, as much as he hated to admit it. He was the thing that had made transitioning into a life of normalcy possible really, and without him, what would he have? 

Lee swallowed, staring at Gaara with still wet eyes. 

_Of course I want to be your friend Gaara, I thought-I thought that we were friends...I really would like to know what I have done to hurt you…_

He felt horrible, seeing Lee like this, and yet that security in knowing that Lee truly cared about him left Gaara feeling something that only Lee could. Slowly, he drew in a breath through his nose, held it, and exhaled from his mouth. He would explain things to Lee, even if it was the last thing he’d do. 

_I...worry sometimes...seeing as you’re my first friend...I worry that maybe you don’t really want to be friends with someone like me, especially when you know everything I did...It’s obvious that you fit in better with people like Tenten and Neji anyway...what use is there for someone who-someone like you to spend time around someone like me?_

It hurt more than Gaara was willing to admit when he said it out loud. It made the pain in his chest sharper and his feelings for Lee even more suffocating. He wanted things to go back to how they were this morning, yesterday, a month ago, or even five months ago when he and Lee had first met. Anything that wasn’t right here and right now where he’d fucked things up for himself all over again and this time with someone who could _leave_. He didn’t want Lee to leave though, a life without Rock Lee in it, after he had been such a grand fixture of it, was hell on earth. He knew he had Temari and Kankurou, he would always have them, but Lee was something entirely new and different. He had brought Gaara to life. He felt his chest tighten further, twisting up as he felt something overwhelming settle over him. Even still, now, rather than his mind staying latched on to the idea that Lee was a filthy liar, he now couldn’t handle the idea of a life without him. 

Gaara faintly coughed, trying to get this feeling out of him, push the overwhelmingness away. He took deep breath after deep breath, and yet they did nothing to calm him, and soon the deep breaths were becoming clipped. He looked at Lee, who seemed to be thinking of his next response, and then suddenly he was staring at a Lee who was covered in starry spots. He felt sick, like he was going to throw up. He wished he was in his bed, he wished that he was underneath his blankets and safe with his plants. He didn’t want the sensation of the outside or the scrape of the steps against his skin or the feeling of his skin at all. He wanted it all to go away, he wanted to exist in a space of utter, weightless nothingness. 

Lee had seemingly realized what was happening by then though, and he was perfect as always. 

He managed to get Gaara in a position to communicate, even if it was only yes or no questions as they got to the front door of the building. Lee handled the keys and getting Gaara to walk on fawn legs. It was obvious that he was bound to collapse at any moment, and the physical support from Lee was the only thing that was keeping him from collapsing into a mess of shaky breathing and nausea on the filthy hall carpet. 

When they got into the apartment, the lights were all off, meaning both Temari and Kankurou had seemingly gone out with their respective significant others. For that, Gaara was so thankful he found himself nearly religious. 

Lee crouched in front of him on the couch, making sure that he and Gaara were eye level. 

_Would you like a glass of water?_

Gaara shook his head. 

_Food?_

Gaara shook his head, he would rather rip his own tongue out rather than cross the thought of eating again. 

_Can I sit with you?_

Gaara nodded, watching as Lee sat beside him. It wasn’t long before Lee’s arm was around him though. He was so hot all over, it made gaara feel like he was staring over the mouth of a volcano. Lee was a furnace that he wanted to be cooked in, consumed by, he craved to be something that could keep that warmth going and keep himself close to it. Gaara feared that if he didn’t he would lose something irreplaceable that Lee had unknowingly given him. He leaned forward and grabbed the remote, turning on the tv to fill up the silence that was obviously eating up the two of them 

They sat like that for a long while, Gaara coming down from the swimming high of adrenaline he had been on. His bones felt heavy and his body ached from almost nothing in particular, worst of all though, his arm itched. It itched with such a fervency that he practically wanted to carve it off. It was all in his head though, he knew it. He knew that it was just the overwhelming urge for stress relief eating away at him, running him ragged so that he would give in. Instead, he looked at the tv, and then looked to Lee. he had been here for so long, he had finally seen Gaara at his worst and felt the urge to accept him despite it. It made him feel warm deep deep into him. 

He fidgeted a bit, moving even closer to Lee and subsequently grabbing his attention. Lee was suddenly sat more alert, ready to listen to whatever Gaara had to say next. 

_Lee, I need to tell you something…_

Gaara felt himself getting nervous, pinpricks of the anxiety that had just passed already rising up from within him and ready to be spat back up. 

_What is it Gaara?_

In some part of his mind, he understood that telling Lee how he felt after putting him through the emotional ringer wasn’t the best thing to do, but Gaara also knew that he had this opportunity or none at all, who was to say when he would next have the courage to do something like this? 

_I love you. Romantically._

It came out like a raspy, wheezing breath, like a dying animal had said it. In some ways, Gaara definitely was a dying animal, but it had ruined the atmosphere of the confession, though it wasn’t like it had much of one. 

Lee flushed a deep red and for a long while he sputtered and waved his arms in front of himself like he was looking to grab purchase on to something. When he finally gained control of himself, Lee looked more serious though, somber even. Just like he had been outside. 

_Gaara, I am-I am deeply flattered by your confession and...I will not lie and say I do not feel similarly,_

He hated the way that he could hear the _but_ coming. 

_But I cannot accept a confession from you, not now, at least, I know that you are very vulnerable, and I cannot take advantage of you like that._

Gaara wanted to tell Lee that he wasn’t being taken advantage of, that he was a grown man and knew his feelings, but he also knew that he was right. Gaara’s mind had changed over the past ten hours so many times that even he could barely keep up with himself. So, instead of handling things like an adult, handling the first rejection from the first boy he had even truly _knew_ he was in love with like a man, he told Lee to get out. 

There was some sort of infomercial for an exercise bike that Lee would have loved if not for the situation at hand, and Gaara hated that he noticed that. 

Lee only nodded, breaking his silence to say to Gaara. 

_I still care about you Gaara, a lot. You are a very important person to me._

_GET OUT!_

It was the only time that he had really yelled at Lee, and he hated the way he let the hurt show on his face. Gaara stormed upstairs, ripping off his work clothes and throwing them to the ground. He changed into a big shirt, one that he only belatedly realized that he had borrowed from Lee when he had gotten ice cream spilled on one of his shirts during one of their many outings together. 

Tears filled his eyes when he noticed and he hated himself for it. He hated that he was crying like this, he hated that Lee was right, he hated that they couldn't be together because Lee didn’t think Gaara was stable enough. With a sniff, Gaara finally scratched that itching in his arm, trying to press his nails into his arm and dig up a chunk of flesh but being met with the soft press of skin against skin. He looked at his hand and realized that Temari had done his nails only a few days ago, meaning they weren’t long enough to scratch himself with. He sighed, falling back on the black of his bed sheets and curling up underneath one of the few blankets that wasn't being crushed under him. 

When he looked out at the moon in the sky, Gaara couldn’t help but ask himself if all of this was really worth it. 


	7. Dormancy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not gonna lie, this chapter was just an excuse for me to have Gaara have a gay meltdown and secondhand express all the reasons I love Rock Lee so much

Gaara woke up, unsurprisingly, in the middle of the day. He got out of bed, following his morning routine out of exhausted habit, it was almost as if last night hadn’t happened at all. He was able to live in that fantasy until he saw his phone on the coffee table in the living room, right where he’d left it when he had Lee inside, when he had been _rejected_. The burn of the truth slapping him over the head was more than he would have ever expected. 

His mood dropped, sudden and harsh, and it was all he could do to keep from dropping to his knees. He felt tears pricking his eyes, he hated it. He hated that he had let someone in and he ended up feeling like this, that he was capable of feeling like this. He sat down on the couch, glaring at his phone like it was what had made everything go so wrong with Lee instead of his fucked up brain and self destructive tendencies. 

He laid down on the couch, squeezing his eyes closed so as to not give himself the slightest chance of crying. He wouldn’t cry over someone like Lee, hell, he hadn’t even wanted to be his friend in the first place. He was a weirdo who didn’t know how to dress, never used contractions, was stupidly focused on everyone getting the chance to enjoy their youth, and seemingly had never done anything wrong in his life like some sort of fucking saint, he dressed oddly too, like a fucking aerobics instructor from the 80s. 

He had no redeeming qualities that someone like Gaara should have enjoyed, he wasn’t handsome in that odd way that really came out when he wore those stupid muscle tees, he wasn’t generous to a fault in a way that made Gaara’s heart melt, and he wasn’t one of the best things that had happened in his life, not by a long shot. He was a stupid jock dork who had talked to Gaara about getting adult braces because he had always needed one to correct his bite like some sort of nerd. Gaara should have hated Lee-no, he did hate Lee, even if all he wanted was to text him-to tell him that he was so sorry for being so erratic and ruining things and he still wanted to be friends even if Lee felt awkward about the confession, but he was supposed to hate him. He couldn’t want to feel the heat and weight of Lee’s body pressed against him or listen to his speedy breathing when they watched a horror movie together, he couldn’t want Lee to praise how he ate or talk about different students in all of his classes. There were so many aspects of Lee that he could deny himself- deny made him feel practically worthy to be alive, and all those things were so succinctly boiled down into just Rock Lee being himself. Gaara couldn’t like Lee because every part of him made him feel so warm, so good, and he now knew that no matter how much he wanted that goodness, he could never have it, because he didn’t deserve it. 

By then he was in tears, curled up on their tiny couch and pressing his face into the fabric that smelled even older than him. He lie like that for a while, silently letting his face get wetter and wetter as a greater sense of agonizing pain pooled in his chest, only to be discovered by Kankurou. 

Out of everyone in their little family, Kankurou was probably worse at handling the emotions of others than Gaara, not because he couldn’t understand them well (Gaara’s problem) or even that he was too pushy when it came to comfort (A mode of action that had gotten Temari her lazy boyfriend) but instead, Kankurou liked to make jokes. Gaara had many a memory of Kankurou’s puppets being broken by both him and their sister when he made some sort of ill placed comment and busted out laughing. This time though, Kankurou seemed to understand the severity of what was happening, if only because it was Gaara who was in tears. Rather than approaching with the sympathetic softness he gave Temari, he was hard edged and angry looking. Gaara wiped his face, already on guard for what Kankurou would say next. 

_What happened_

His voice was gruffer than usually, like the one he put on to scare guys off when they were all out in public together. 

Gaara sniffed, staring at him for a long moment before letting out a shaky sigh. He had promised to be better, and part of being better was honesty, at least, that’s what he thought. Wiping his face one more time just for the assurance that it was entirely dry, he spoke. 

_Lee and I-_

_What the hell did that bastard do?! Did he try something inappropriate?! I swear Gaara I’ll beat the kid’s ass if he even dared to fuck with you!_

Gaara shot Kankurou a dirty look, a silent demand for him to shut his fucking mouth so Gaara could explained and Kankurou managed to indeed shut the fuck up. 

Gaara cleared his throat. 

_Lee and I got into a fight._

_No way. From everything Temari’s said sounds like you two are the picture of a happy couple_

Gaara flushed then, his face red hot all the way down to his neck. He couldn’t resist the urge to kick Kankurou, leading to a loud whine that sent Temari running from her room, concerned about Gaara having maybe, finally, murdered Kankurou. Instead she was met with Gaara’s bony toes digging into Kankurou’s kidney and Kankurou whimpering for Gaara to stop. 

Gaara only pulled away when Temari asked him to, curling up into the tight ball he had been in before. It wasn’t at all difficult for her to notice his puffy face and red cheeks, Gaara was terribly easy to read when he was upset like this, he supposed. Temari made him talk about it, with both her and Kankurou and even talked about him doing more than group. Once again, if not for the pleading look on her face, he would’ve said no. Instead, the afternoon and late night was spent making phone calls, doing internet research, and watching horror movies as a family, they even ordered almost a buffet’s worth of chinese food to gorge themselves on, though it was mostly Gaara who did the gorging. 

By the end of the night, Gaara was squished between a sleeping Temari and Kankurou, both warm and sturdy against him. It felt nice, knowing that they were willing to do something like this for him. 

It made him feel _loved_. 

The following days were horrible, as Gaara began to notice all the places Lee had infected his life. The patch of apricot mallows he had so been doting after had been something Lee was seemingly as invested as Gaara in them, now though, he couldn’t tell him how well they were doing. He couldn’t text Lee on his ride to or from work, and when he wanted to go to a nice trail to stare at the fauna for a few hours before going home, he couldn’t get a seal of approval from someone he trusted. There was also the issue of group, to go or not to go? That was the question. Gaara decided he’d wait, see if Lee asked him if he was going like he always did. That would be his answer as to whether or not he _should_ go. 

Gaara sat around at work, waiting, _hoping_ that he would get a text from Lee, even if they were in a fight, even if Gaara had been so ridiculous the last time they were together. Instead, by the time Gaara got off of work at four, he was met with nothing but a broken heart yet again. 

He didn’t need to go back anyway, he would just go to regular therapy. 

Regular therapy was shit. 

He hated his therapist, how each session felt impersonal and as if his therapist already had preconceived notions on what was wrong with him that were based off of only the blueprint of someone with his litany of mental disorders and the constant malfunction of synapses in his brain that made him act as embarrassing as he was. Each conversation was cold and quiet on Gaara’s end, and the whole time he sat there all he could think of was Lee. 

Lee would have never made him feel that way, Lee always made sure he was comfortable and happy to share. He was reliable and honest and never looked at Gaara like he was something to be hyper analyzed then thrown to the side. 

He hated himself for what he did, for how horribly he had fucked things up. It had only been ten days and Gaara missed Lee terribly. He was no longer in that stupid state of denial he had been in, he couldn’t even claim to hate him anymore. 

He just wanted Lee _back_. 

Whether he liked-loved-him or not, it didn’t matter anymore because he had fallen in love with Lee because of their friendship and that friendship meant the _world_ to him. 

He agonized constantly over what the hell to do to give Lee a proper apology for what he had done. He considered getting him a pair of thermal leggings he saw in a department store with Temari once, but he worried that it would come off wrong, like he was refusing Lee’s rejection by giving him such a personal gift. He thought about buying him a new set of sweatbands, he had seen the ratty things Lee wore when Gaara caught him after a workout and they were utterly appalling. Once again, he dropped the idea, they seemed almost too impersonal now, like Gaara hadn’t once paid any sort of attention to what Lee actually liked and cared about and instead went for practicality, though Lee was a practical guy. Finally, the idea came to him, strangely enough, while third wheeling with Kankurou and his weird friend who was covered in dog hair. 

The three of them had been wandering through a music store, Kankurou trying to sell some old CDs he didn’t want anymore while his pseudo-boyfriend looked around for some weird obscure album, something about it being mountain singers that helped him relax. Gaara stood off to the side, watching as the two of them went along like the merry fools they were. He wouldn’t admit that he was sort of jealous, especially when he saw how Kankurou helped him find things or laughed at him when Kiba seemed startled by a particularly intense song that he was shown. It hurt very distinctly to see, he remembered that feeling, and he hated that he could remember it so well. He had admitted to himself before that his feelings for Lee were, of course, that of a romantic nature, but it hurt even more to realize now, particularly that he was gone, that he was in love with Lee. Totally head over heels for him like one of those stupid leads in one of Lee’s stupid cheesy romance movies that Gaara missed watching, and what would one of those sappy idiots do? Plan a grand gesture. 

Of course, Gaara wasn’t the type to scream his love from the rooftops or go to Lee’s job to try to make up, hell, Gaara couldn’t even confess because he had already and that had been a bust. Instead, Gaara would have to apologize properly, in a way that words alone wouldn’t be able to convey. He remembered something Lee had said, so petty and small that he had forgotten until being in that store. 

_It is always very awkward when I have new friends in my car, they often want to connect their bluetooth but all I can play is cds_

His laugh had been a little tense, anxious even, then because Gaara wasn’t talking or even properly looking at him. Gaara knew now that it was because Lee couldn’t handle his tense silence, and when he got nervous he talked a lot, even too much. Gaara decided then he would figure out a way to make Lee a CD he could play in his car. He didn’t know how the hell to do something like that, but if it meant winning Lee back, he would do whatever it took. 

He went home with a renewed sense of determination and a Kankurou whose makeup was smudged because he had spent the entire bus ride home making out with an idiot who didn’t understand the concept of an inside voice. Specifically, an idiot who didn’t know that Gaara could hear himself be called _A poor, sulky emo kid, but like, not in the hot way._. He had wanted to punch him, but instead focused on making a playlist of songs he knew Lee liked and would convey how Gaara felt. 

He stole Temari’s laptop to make it, and a CD he knew Kankurou never listened to anymore. It took work to clean it, trying his best to get rid of all of the scratches and old artwork. Then, he set to burning the three and a half hour long dramatic, for him, spectacle he had created within the past several hours. 

By the time he finished, it was around four am and all he had to do was write a title. He went for something simple and straight to the point. In his very own brand of chicken scratch, Gaara wrote, 

I’m Sorry.

Now, he just had to get the courage to give it to Lee.


	8. Minerals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is the name of this chapter a pun? Yes.

To see Gaara so erratic, so pained, hurt Lee deep enough to keep him from his usual morning workout. Rather than getting out of bed promptly at 5:30 and heading out for his run through the local man made bike trail, he laid there, listening to the way his alarm blared positive affirmations at him. Even on his saddest days, those were usually enough to get him out of bed, but today they weren’t enough. He couldn’t bring himself to get out of bed because all he could do was think about what had happened the night before. 

He had been so confused-was still _so confused_. He knew that something had to have happened to Gaara to make him that way. Over and over again he replayed the last days’, weeks’, even the last three months’ events, looking for even one instance in which he had maybe said or done something that hurt Gaara. He seemed fine when they hung out, happy even. The very last time they were able to do something recreational, Lee felt his heart flutter around in his chest because Gaara had smiled at him. It was so small, barely even noticeable, and yet it made his whole face look so much sweeter. It drew Lee in in a way that made him almost want to hug Gaara in a way that he didn’t do with most of his friends. It would have been wrong though, he knew that. Gaara didn’t feel the same way, at least, that was what he had thought until last night. Even as he was agonizing over how horrible Gaara had been, his heart had latched on to one thing in particular, the confession. He felt guilty, focusing on how Gaara had said _I love you_ after having had such a bad meltdown, but he couldn’t help circling back to the thought that Gaara felt similarly. 

The feelings weren’t real though, Lee knew that, and yet he couldn’t help but smile when he thought about the possibility that they could be. He knew what it was like to be in Gaara’s position, he knew all too well, which was why they couldn’t be together. There wasn’t a snowball’s chance of it, not until Gaara got himself better, but the knowledge that his feelings might have been requited was something that Lee had never felt before. He hadn’t liked many people throughout his life, but the few that he had often rejected him in favor of partners better suited. Gaara was different though, they got along so well, and he was smart, almost smarter than Neji, he cared about nature, too, Lee loved getting texts from him about the plants he was caring for at the nursery, more than anything though, Gaara was dedicated. Even if last night something had cracked, in the five months they had known each other Lee had never seen Gaara lose hope after faltering. Instead, he constantly wiped himself off and got right back up again, and that was a quality he would never not fall in love with.There was always the worst option though, looming behind the sugary sweet sunshine of a youth shared with Gaara. 

He didn’t actually feel the same way, not in the way that Lee had been concerned about before, but instead in a way that would’ve been worse than the many heartbreaks he had faced in the past. Lee could easily remember a time in his life in which he felt similarly to Gaara, he had struggled so much that he had nearly dropped out of his school in favor of doing work from home, but then, he met Neji and Tenten. Neji had been particularly cruel at first, and for some reason it summoned something from Lee. He wanted to prove every single one of his preconceived notions wrong, prove to him that he would be able to graduate with grades just as good as the child prodigy from the top of their class. Of course, that hadn’t happened, but somewhere in Lee’s incessant studying and spending time around Neji, they had grown close. He was one of the first people Lee had ever found himself able to rely on, Tenten too, of course, but there was something closer somehow about his bond with Neji. He was always there when Lee was sad, coached him through tough times, even helped him come to terms with the knowledge that being practically obsessed with body builders, though his father was one, wasn’t something most young boys did. 

It was in that time period, more specifically at the tender age of fourteen, that he had thought he was in love with Neji. There was no other way to describe how much he cared about him, how far he was willing to go for Neji’s sake. He had never had a friend he cared for so much, and so it was all he could do to assume that he was in love with him. 

He had told Neji not soon after, his confession full of awkward stuttering and a bored expression from the man of the hour. When Lee finished, he was met with a meditation on why he couldn’t possibly be in love with Neji. All of it boiled down to one key point, Lee had been going through a tough time when they had become friends, of course he’d think their friendly affection was love. It hurt at the time, rejection always did, but as he got older, Lee couldn’t help but think that Neji was right. He really didn’t have many of the qualities that Lee enjoyed in another person, especially not a romantic partner. At fourteen though, and even younger, he had been desperate to feel any sense of love he could, and Neji gave him that. 

He knew that Gaara had been in a similar place, lonely and isolated by his peers, though for far longer than Lee had been, and now he had his first friend. It had been sweet when Gaara had explained it, but now, after having heard that confession from him, he couldn’t help but wonder if he would have to do what Neji did back then. He liked Gaara so much, more than he had ever liked anyone before, and to think that he only liked Lee out of a sense of loneliness _hurt_. Even still, that wasn’t what he needed to deal with now, despite it being all he could think about. 

At 6:05 am, Lee pushed himself out of bed and did light yoga. He refused to not get _any_ exercise in for the morning. He moved on to his shower, though it was a little bit earlier than usual, there was something that made him want to text Gaara right before he stepped in. It was a force of habit from all the time they spent talking with one another. He knew that it was his day off though, he was bound to sleep until late in the day, and even if he didn’t, Lee knew he couldn’t act like things between them were fine. 

The quiet, heart wrenching tears he had shed the moment he got home told him enough, told him that Gaara needed to make an apology. 

Lee missed him dearly, even if it had only been a few hours, but he tried to simply follow his schedule. In that schedule though, he realized, there were too many instances in which he thought of Gaara, from cooking breakfast to picking out his clothes to making his way downstairs with the house’s trash to take out on the way to his car. Gaara had made himself a cozy pocket in Lee’s heart. A pocket that he had sewn shut because of something that Lee didn’t even know about. 

His drive to work was full of spiraling thoughts that his Pumped Up Jams CD couldn’t even help, and it was then that he made a very impulsive decision. He cranked up his music a tad bit louder, though not too loud so as to not disturb other drivers, and drove right past the community center. A little over thirty minutes later, he was in a sleepy suburb full of large, beautiful houses that all looked essentially the same, save for one. 

The house that Lee parked in front of was pine green in a sea of whites with so many flowers, fruits, and vegetables growing in the front yard that it practically looked like they were in the middle of an orchard. Paired with those plants, were a small army of lawn ornaments that Neji had called ghastly and Tenten had called unique upon first viewing, Lee himself thought that they were friendly. 

He could already hear the gentle pulsating rhythm of music coming from the inside of the house from his car. It was no surprise that He was up this early. The journey up the walkway had Lee relaxing shoulders he hadn’t even noticed he’d been tensing, and when the door opened he collapsed into tears. 

_Lee! Has something happened?_

Guy looked so concerned that it made Lee cry even harder, until his father was pulling him inside and into his arms. Lee sat there for a long time, a mess of snot and whimpers as a song that had marked his childhood played in the background, some idol number that Guy taught him all the words to. It was sweet, and the excessive calm Lee felt after letting it all out made it easier to talk about things. 

He had told Guy about Gaara before, though really only in a passive way. He wasn’t even sure if he knew that Lee had feelings for him, but he would have to find out now seeing as Lee had just had a crying fit on the couch. 

_You remember my dear friend Gaara, right?_

Lee sniffed, watching as Guy stroked his chin for a long few seconds, then moved to stroking the couch, all the while letting out a low hum. Lee wasn’t surprised that Guy didn’t completely remember Gaara, after all, he really only knew Neji and Tenten out of the wide array of people his son seemingly spent time around. 

_Not quite, but why don’t you go ahead and tell me what’s going on with this Gaara boy that has you so upset.._

_Well…_

From there on, Lee chronicled, in great detail, the whirlwind sort of romance he and Gaara had been going through, right up until last night. By the end of it, Guy himself had to grab a tissue to hide his tears. Lee watched him closely, hoping for some sort of advice that would make everything make sense. From the moment he had met him, Guy had given Lee so many sage words of advice that he almost didn’t know how to follow all of them in the same day. Now though, wasn’t exactly one of those times. 

_You care for this Gaara boy, right Lee?_

_Well-I-yes-I care-care for him quite a lot. He has become a dear friend to me in these past few months…_

Lee felt his face get hot, all the way to his neck. It was embarrassing to have to confront his feelings out loud so soon after having done it for the first time in front of someone only the night before, but he could never lie to Guy. 

_Well Lee, if you care for him so much, then you need to give him time. After all, a stream cannot become a river when someone watches._

Lee found himself practically crying all over again, though this time they were tears of pride. His dad was so smart! Gaara needed time, and Lee could give him that, he would have to give him that, for fear of Neji and Tenten possibly shouting at Gaara for how much he had hurt Lee. It was hard though, so very hard. Lee replaced Gaara with friends, he constantly had them cycling through the apartment for different reasons. Sometimes, he would host gatherings, board games or movie nights, all to curb his desire to see Gaara, other times he’d call one of his gym buddies to go on a run with him. So long as he wasn’t alone, Lee couldn’t think of all the ways that he missed Gaara. 

At some point, Tenten started keeping a counter ‘ **Days Gone Without Contacting Him** ’ 

They got all the way up to two weeks. 

On the fourteenth night of having not spoken to Gaara, Lee had Shikamaru over. Even though they weren’t very close, he often served for a good time, and was always a great opponent when playing things like Wii Sports and Just Dance. He never had much stamina, but it was interesting seeing if his cleverness could outdo Lee’s sheer physical ability. 

There was something different about Shikamaru’s visit this time, though. This time, Shikamaru came with a girl. She had fluffy blonde hair, worn up in two pigtails, she was pretty, pretty in a way that had Lee a bit flustered and calling out to Tenten to help him greet their guest, but there was also something familiar about her prettiness, like he had seen her before. Shikamaru introduced her as Temari, and that was when the name clicked. This was Gaara’s sister. 

He felt a large rock form in his stomach, one made out of anxiety, nausea, and a little bit of the turkey sandwich he had had for lunch earlier. Lee had no idea what to do, introduce himself? Act like he had never heard of Gaara in his life? _Leave_? The possibilities were as endless as they were unappealing, which was how he ended up standing in front of Temari, playing Wii tennis against Shikamaru who was already at 30-Love. 

Lee excused himself to the bathroom after Shikamaru took his easy win. As he did, he heard Temari interrupt Shikamaru’s comment of it being an easy game with a question. 

_What’s that sign up there for?_

Lee felt himself getting sick. 

He sat in the bathroom for a long time, long enough for Neji to come after him. He knocked lightly at first, then a little bit harder, then he banged on it loud enough to snap Lee out of whatever strange daze he’d been in and open the door. He stared up at him, his cheeks a little bit ruddy from the beers that everyone but himself had been partaking in (brought by Temari as a thank-you-for-hosting gift). He was quiet for a moment, just staring at the look on Lee’s face, which he was sure was distressed. 

Neji sat on the edge of the tub, rubbing at his face with his hands. Then, his expression suddenly became tender in a way that Lee only saw on rare occasions. They stayed like that, sitting in absolute silence while Tenten kept their guests at bay. 

Lee couldn’t help but wonder if Temari knew him-knew of him to be more exact. Gaara was such a private person, it wouldn’t be surprising to find out that his family didn’t know about their ongoing friendship. If she did know, what would she say? What would she do? Gaara had described her as intimidating and that had held true, and now he couldn’t help but wonder if everything else he had been told would also hold true, more specifically about Temari’s violent need to protect her family. Lee didn’t want Temari to punch him in the face, it would ruin any future board game opportunities for as long as she and Shikamaru were dating, and he didn’t want that in the slightest, especially if he was hoping that maybe Gaara could come to one. 

He looked at Neji who met him with a kind smile and leaned a little bit closer. Gently, he placed his hand on Lee’s knee. It was in that moment, staring at Neji’s face in that tiny bathroom, Lee realized something. He loved Gaara enough to forgive him, even if it took a long time, even if Gaara’s feelings were only brought on by his unstable mental state, he loved him enough to take him as anything, so long as he was happy. 

_I love Gaara very dearly.._

It was all that Lee said to Neji, and yet it also seemed to convey everything he felt perfectly. Neji nodded at him, that same drowsy smile on his face, and stood up from the tub. 

_I know._

Lee realized that he loved Neji too, he loved Neji, and Tenten, and his dad, and all of his friends. He loved everyone in his life so dearly, but he loved Gaara _differently_. He couldn’t quite describe it, but he knew that it meant _really_ wanted to at least be friends again. 

He stepped out of the bathroom sheepishly, all eyes in the room on him, save for those of his roommates who were playing Wii boxing. Lee sat down on the loveseat near the couch where Shikamaru and Temari were stationed. Temari was watching him eagle eyed and on alert. He gave her a tense smile before filling his mouth with a handful of chips. That didn’t stop her from speaking her mind though. 

_Gaara misses you. A lot._

Lee practically choked, sharp shards of chips lodging themselves into his throat until he found himself running to the kitchen for a glass of water. When he had regained himself, he returned, red to the ears and heart pounding so loud in his chest he worried that he would interrupt the flow of the game. Temari seemed amused by it though, the light dancing behind her eyes one of pleased confirmation, like she had been testing something. Lee knew that she said that as a way of seeing how he felt about Gaara, it wasn’t hard to tell, but it had caught him off guard nonetheless. 

_I...I miss Gaara too, very much._

_He’s sorry, for acting the way that he did. He’s worried you hate him now or something._

_I could never hate Gaara! He is one of my dearest...friends_

Lee felt his face getting hotter, both from his embarrassment at having interrupted Temari and basically admitting his crush on Gaara to everyone in the room, even if they had all basically known before. 

Temari let out a proper laugh then, full of quiet giggles and snorts. She really was something of the perfect girl for Shikamaru. 

_That’s great to hear, I’ll have Shikamaru send you the address of where you can meet him to get this apology he’s too scared to give without any help._

Lee was left dumbfounded by that. Gaara had somewhere he wanted to meet? He felt giddy then, though it was a tad bittersweet. To enter this situation practically blind was anxiety inducing, but he would do it if it meant that Gaara would stay in his life.


	9. Seeds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it's the beginning of the end. This has been such a fun fic to write but rather than getting into all the mushy stuff here I'm just wait until next chapter. I'll definitely be writing GaaLee again, in the time that I've written this it's become one of my favorite ships. I'm considering making an epilogue for this fic but really it's sort of up to whether or not you guys want one. Sorry for this note being so long haha

To see Lee after so long was a breath of fresh air. Even if Gaara had been tricked-well, more like forced- into showing up here. 

Temari had woken him up early, at eleven rather than noon, during one of his better rests and told him to start getting ready with no explanation as to what he was getting ready for. She didn’t even do anything except for demand for him to wash up, take his meds, and wear something relatively nice. It was honestly nerve inducing, especially with the way she ran around so eagerly, leaving Gaara with really no chance to ask any questions. 

What had really set him off though, was the fact that Kankurou was coming with them. He knew that he didn’t have any therapy appointment today, he had made it a point not to tell either of them and only catalogue them on his phone’s calendar, no notification equaled no therapy. He was an adult man after all, though that was neither here nor there. So, to realize that the three of them were going on a family outing was something that had him on high alarm. Gaara, Temari, and Kankurou rarely went out together, they all had their own lives and activities that nobody else in the family tended to enjoy, and they only had three intersective points, music, their father, and being batshit crazy to varying degrees. So, when Kankurou got on the bus behind him while Temari dragged him on, he couldn’t help but figure something was up. 

Their bus ride was silent, Gaara busy blasting music in his headphones and fidgeting with his keys in his pocket to calm himself down rather than asking Temari anything. He wondered if she would even give a direct answer if he asked, though he had the creeping suspicion this was something he wasn’t _supposed_ to know. 

Once they got off of the bus, he was led to a pizza shop, the whole time feeling the sharp press of his keys against his palm. They were already warm from the bus ride, but that was fine, it was still enough for now. Then, all too suddenly it wasn’t enough, and Gaara knew exactly why Kankurou had to come. 

Because Gaara would run. 

Gaara had never been afraid of much in his life, especially not from a physical standpoint. He knew that he was sort of scrawny and weak, but he wasn’t one to back down from people-especially not people his own age, and yet, seeing Lee sitting there at the table, staring at him. It hurt. It hurt so good and so bad all at once. He turned on his heel, already trying to burst out of the door, but then Kankurou was carrying him to the table and he realized Lee already had something. An extra large deep dish, full of spinach and cheese and mushrooms and just about everything else Gaara liked. He could already feel himself getting teary eyed, but he sat down without a word. Lee looked so happy, his face lit up and his stupid bushy eyebrows drew together with absolute joy. He hated the bittersweetness behind his eyes though, Gaara knew why it was there. He knew that he owed Lee a proper apology, and he would give it. He felt around suddenly, realizing he hadn’t brought the CD with him. It was stupid that he hadn’t, even if he hadn’t known. 

Lee gave him a shaky smile, his strong, scarred up hands reaching for a slice of pizza. He gave it to Gaara because of course he did because Lee was the kindest soul in the world. He stared at the slice for a moment, then turned his attention back to Lee. 

_I-Lee…I...I had something….but…._

Lee looked at him quizzically, though it was in such a way that Gaara knew he was expecting something. He wondered which one of his siblings had cornered Lee, after all, he didn’t have anyone but the two of them that he even spoke to without Lee, and someone had to get him here. Temari. It had to be Temari because there wasn’t a scratch on Lee or Kankurou, and Gaara knew too well that Kankurou would have probably tried to fight or kidnap Lee into coming to something like this. Hell, if they had told Gaara beforehand there would have been a mad dash to keep him from biting someone in an effort to escape their house. 

He tried to explain about the CD, about his apology, but it all came out like mush. Then, before he could make more of a fool out of himself during what was supposed to be his grand apology, that horribly wonderful CD in its old shitty case appeared right before his eyes with a set of purple nails and fingers with ever present ring ring marks attached to them. He looked up properly and saw an all too familiar black cat hoodie and a horribly made up face, Kankurou. He grinned at Gaara, like he knew just how much the CD meant to his ability to apologize, and Gaara couldn’t bring himself to be angry. Kankurou had, in fact, saved the day just like the shit of a reliable big brother he was. 

He took the CD case gently, then sat it in front of Lee on the table. All it took was one look at what it was called, and the implications of why Gaara made the CD , for him to burst into tears. He seemed so overjoyed, or maybe he was sad, he couldn’t tell yet, but gods could he pray that it was the former. To think of Lee returning to his life, it made Gaara’s heart pound so loud he worried that the whole restaurant would hear it. Lee took the CD like it was made out of glass, like it would crack at any moment, and just….looked it over, a smile breaking out. He considered the finer details of it, how Gaara had obviously stolen the case and the CD itself based off of the old paint marks, how his hand writing seemed shaky, even the way that his own face reflected in it. Then, somehow he managed to choke out, 

_Thank you, Gaara. This means...so much to me_

It made Gaara want to cry too if he were being honest. He could feel both Temari and Kankurou watching them, like they expected Gaara to do something crazy like be totally open and honest with Lee about everything he had been and was currently feeling, but instead they ate. They ate and they played their shitty version of twenty questions. 

There wasn’t very much they had missed with one another in the past two weeks, apparently Lee had visited his father, and even held a few parties. Gaara couldn’t help the twinge of jealousy he felt, but he knew even better that his jealousy was what had gotten them into this mess. He drew in a deep breath through his nose, trying his very best to just listen, and listening paid off. 

Lee had asked him to come to one of their game nights sometime. Of course it couldn’t be soon, their wounds were too raw and this truce was too tentative for anything to be totally sure, but the idea of a future in which he and Lee could spend time together was a future Gaara was more than excited for. 

Gaara contemplated not telling Lee about therapy, about how shitty it was compared to when they spent time together, but he knew that he needed to. He wanted Lee to know that he was at least trying to get better, and god was trying hard. Lee looked proud when he was told, though Gaara backed out last second on telling him just how bad it was compared to their sessions like these. Gaara was happy to see Lee so proud, but he couldn’t help but consider how badly it hurt to know that _he_ was the thing keeping the two of them from being together. 

Gaara wondered if he would ever get over this feeling, if he would be able to appreciate Lee as a friend and a friend only, but there was something in him saying that he wouldn’t. Lee was his very first love, he had shown him so much of what it was like to care and be cared for, and nobody would ever be able to take the sort of feelings he gave Gaara away. Even still, they were adults, and adults were capable of handling these feelings in a mature way. 

They sat there for a long time, the clock ticking by while Lee talked at length and Gaara absorbed his every word, even giving out a faint smile or two. He knew that he would have to deal with Temari and Kankurou later, but he didn’t care, not when he could enjoy the stupid weirdo in front of him. 

Lee really was perfect, and imperfect Gaara was, at least the two of them could still spend time together like this. 

He took the CD with him when he left and gave Gaara one of his perfect hugs. He took in how Lee smelled like himself, if that was even a real descriptor, almost like he was the living embodiment of passion. It was strange, but Gaara made sure to etch the scent into his mind. He always did. He wanted to remember every single aspect of Lee forever because he knew that one day he might not be able to. 

The bus ride home was quiet, though in a different way as to how the ride there had been. Kankurou and Temari knew that Gaara wouldn’t take any sort of teasing this time, he couldn’t, not when he was both so lovestruck and heartbroken. Their pitying looks were enough to leave Gaara scowling at the front of the bus rather than the back where they all usually sat. They didn’t matter though, Gaara knew that. They wouldn’t matter until Lee told him what he thought of the CD, if the songs went well together, if he liked them, if he really forgave him for everything. Even if the air had cleared during their little lunch, Gaara wouldn’t be able to know for sure that Lee was still his friend until he was given confirmation by the CD. 

That confirmation came as a text at 9pm from Lee saying. 

**I have listened to the entire CD, it is wonderful!**

Gaara was sitting in his room, reading plant articles to calm himself down as best he could, but that text from Lee sent him flying. He was on cloud 9 and nothing could take him down. Lee liked the CD, he liked the work that Gaara had put in, he _forgave_ him. 

He wanted to see Lee. 

He wanted to see him so suddenly and so badly that it felt like whiplash. He knew how it could have come off, how it probably _would_ come off, so he decided against it. He just texted Lee back, and left it at that. 

**im glad.**

He fell back on his bed, burying his phone under his pillows and trying his best not to do anything stupid. His plant articles were still there, waiting for him to finish his readings on a special type of plant that grew in the arctic and was slowly going extinct because of rising temperatures. It was concerning, though nowhere near enough to get his thoughts off of Lee. He just wanted to see his face, that was it, after he saw him, he would calm down. Even still, he kept from texting him. He tried to keep himself occupied, he watered his plants, sat on the couch with Temari and Shikamaru, who was becoming more and more of a recurring character at their house, and even forced himself to eat a bowl of cereal, but by the time he made it up to his room, he knew what had to be done. He put on a movie, something that would kill the sound of absolute silence but still leave enough room for him to hear padding footsteps and doors closing. Then, finally, he did, and he almost immediately pulled his phone out from under his pillow and called Lee. 

He felt like some sort of teenager in a coming of age movie, and he could be save for..well, everything. Everything except for the fact that he was still, just barely, a teenager. He couldn’t imagine being twenty, even if it was only a few months away. Hell, he hadn’t even been able to imagine lasting until eighteen, but the idea of turning twenty was the idea of becoming a real adult instead of just a kid leeching off his siblings. Before he could continue with his existential crisis though, he was met with the sound of Lee’s groggy voice. 

_Gaara...are you okay? Has something happened?_

He sounded so worried, and Gaara quickly went on to damage control. Of course Lee would’ve been asleep, it was past one in the morning. 

_Lee...I wanted to ask...would you come over...just for a little while...…_

Lee was quiet on his end, obviously waking up a bit more and considering what had been asked of him. Before everything had happened, he probably would’ve rushed to Gaara’s side, but now he had to _think_. 

_Is something wrong?_

_Not exactly…_

_Gaara….are you sure I should be coming over? I do not want to hurt you again, really._

_I’m sure. I just want to see my...friend_

_Then, as your friend, I will come over. I will be there in about forty minutes._

Gaara was the one to hang up the phone, falling back on his bed with a heavy sigh. This was a mistake, a total mistake, and yet he felt hot up to the ears at the thought of Lee being in his room-on his bed. They would have to be if they didn’t want to alert Temari or Kankurou. After all of the times that he had fantasized about having Lee in his bed, he hated that these were the circumstances, and yet he still found himself absolutely exhilarated. The forty minutes he waited for Lee were so much worse than the four hours he had managed to stave off the desire to call him. Gaara was notified of Lee’s arrival with a considerate text, and he went to the door to greet him. 

He was met with the vision of a frazzled bowl cut, tan skin glowing beneath the moonlight, and a hoodie from the 1980 something’s World Men’s Bodybuilding Competition, he was beautiful in his own Rock Lee way. Slowly, they crept through the dark townhouse, and up to Gaara’s room. 

Lee fell on to the bed and ended up leaning up against Gaara’s head board. The room was a mess, but he didn’t seem to mind, even as he woke up. 

_Do you….want to watch a movie?_

_That sounds-_ he was cut off by a yawn- _wonderful.._

Lee’s voice was so much gentler when he was tired, and Gaara wanted to imagine a world where he would hear Lee’s voice like that every morning and every night. He stared at him for a long moment, feeling his heart swell before swiftly turning his attention back to his laptop. Lee picked the movie, an action comedy, though Gaara had seen the cursor shift over and over again to a cheesy rom-com about a girl falling in love with her childhood friend. He wanted to think that this was a sign, but he couldn’t get his hopes up. He hated this life, the constant shift between cynic and optimist, before it had been easy. His worldview was dark and dreary, one in which he wouldn’t imagine living to the age of twenty one, and now he was planning a future with a guy who had denied his confession. 

Even still, he sat there beside Lee, watching explosion after fight scene after explosion while praying that Lee's scent would seep into his bedclothes. Soon enough, he was curled up beside Lee, head on his chest and heart beat right under his ear, he imagined things being like this all the time. Lee’s tired voice and his big, warm body encompassing all of Gaara’s small, cold one. It was a nice life, they would have tons of plants and cats, maybe even a home gym. Lee would be there on good days and on bad. Gently, Gaara touched his finger tips to Lee’s and Lee _returned the touch_. 

It was then that he remembered what Lee said to him that night two weeks ago after Gaara had confessed and he had to deny. 

_Gaara, I am-I am deeply flattered by your confession and...I will not lie and say I do not feel similarly_

Lee felt the same way. 

Lee _did_ like him back. He just wouldn’t date Gaara because he wasn’t _stable_. It stung, almost as much as it did the night that he had heard it, but Gaara wouldn’t let go of the hope that if he got better then maybe he and Lee could at least try to make things work between the two of them. 

He sat his head up from Lee’s chest and stared at him, his eyes shifted from being focused on the screen to Gaara’s face. He tilted his head slightly, already preparing to ask if something was wrong. 

Gaara, with a burning face, spoke. 

_Rock Lee, if...If I’m able to become the sort of man that you deem….honorable...will you….accept my feelings for you?_

Lee looked more than surprised, and soon they were a pair of blushing messes staring at one another. Even still, Gaara refused to look away until Lee gave him an answer. 

_O-Okay. If you can put your all into taking care of yourself, then I will accept your confession Gaara._

Gaara bit back a grin, and, like the idiot he had suddenly become, gave Lee a thumbs up. Suddenly though, he felt something on his mouth, something overwhelmingly hot and full and satisfying. It was like he had found something he was missing his entire life in that moment, and it was in that moment that he realized, Lee had _kissed_ him. Rock Lee’s mouth was on him right now and he wasn’t doing anything. He sprung into action as fast as he could, hands gently taking Lee’s face and pulling him closer, Lee reciprocated for a while, his hands on Gaara’s shoulders as their mouths moved against each other. Lee only pushed Gaara back when he tried to add tongue, having flushed to his collarbones Gaara was sure. Even still, he felt so _electric_ like someone had lit a spark under his ass. Lee could probably see it on his face with the way he kept averting his eyes. 

_I am sorry. That was….very brash of me. Please do not think that our deal does not still stand, I just...wanted to give you some encouragement_

And damn did Gaara feel encouraged.


	10. Humanity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually really sad to be finishing this, like, I love the sense of a completed task but at the same time this has been such a fun thing to write and you've all been so kind. Literally all the positive feedback is what helped me keep this fic going, and I love everyone who took the time to read it all the way through. I'll definitely be writing more GaaLee in the future and I hope that you all will enjoy that as much as you've seemed to enjoy this and I hope you enjoy the probable final chapter. I love all of you so much, and thank you. 
> 
> Side note: Would anyone be interested in like an epilogue/sequel type of thing?

Lee stayed around long enough to finish the movie, though it was obvious that neither of them gave a damn about it after the kiss they had just shared, Gaara especially. Lee could at least pretend to care about whether or not the hero saved his….girlfriend? Daughter? Wife? Female companion? Gaara realized that he hadn’t been paying attention to the movie at all in the first place, but it still didn’t matter because Lee had initiated a kiss between the two of them and it had felt so so good. God, Gaara would kill someone just to relive a second of the kiss that they shared. 

When Lee was at the door, just about ready to head home, Gaara wanted to ask for more encouragement. Shit, he almost did, but something held him back. A stupid, sweet little voice in the back of his head that suspiciously lacked an contractions and spoke proudly, told him that he ought to save their second kiss for when he had met his end of the bargain, so he hugged Lee instead. It was frustrating to say the least, feeling his arms wrap around Lee, all the while lacking the warmth of his mouth, but Lee hugged back and suddenly it was better. He hated how desperate he had-no, he didn’t hate it. He realized that he didn’t hate it at all. Actually, if Gaara thought about it, he liked that he liked Lee’s hugs, though only in the deepest part of himself could he admit something like that. 

Lee’s affection had trained him into enjoying it in small doses, a pat on the shoulder from Temari here, a fist bump from Kankurou there, he didn’t even feel like punching someone in the face when a customer accidentally ran into him at work. He was bitter about adoring Lee’s touch so much, of course, but it was a bitterness that stemmed from an almost childish desire to want to touch him more, and that made him flustered more than anything. 

Their hug lasted longer than it normally would have, longer than a pair of friends who weren’t head over heels in love with one another would have dared to touch, but it was fine. He would be able to kiss Lee again one day, even if it was a day months from now. He could already imagine it, a quiet kiss under the moonlight, maybe surrounded by plants, it would be perfect. 

That was a dream Gaara had thought he could achieve in about a few more months, until reality hit him in the face with a two ton truck and he realized that he had severely underestimated how hard it would be to get better. 

Of course, he had been taking his medication, and going to his shitty therapy, keeping group in the mix too for the sake of still seeing Lee. He even tried his absolute best to ‘communicate how he felt’ or something like that, but then he faced the days where he just couldn’t muster the energy to try at anything, let alone improvement They hurt more than anything, barely able get out of bed, and when he did he feeling like throwing himself in the street. Not even out of that old desire to die, but instead out of the desire for a _break_. 

A break from what? He really wasn’t sure, but damn did he want one, and when he told his therapist? 

A recommendation for an upped dose of his prescription and more exposure to vitamin D. 

And he fucking did it. 

He did it all in a slightly hazy daze of regular life and limited emotion. 

At least, he did from the middling weeks of November, about all the way to late December, when he felt nothing but achy all over and a little sick. It was, once again, Temari’s doing when he finally dropped his old therapist and got a new one. A new one that _heard_ him and actually paid attention to his symptoms along with what he had to say and his thoughts, though it turned out that that sick achy feeling was actually a cold he had caught from a coworker. 

Despite his new therapist, in fact, being significantly _better_ better than his old one there was a certain kind of pain, both emotionally and physically, that came with weaning yourself off of drugs for the second time. The first having been, of course, Kankurou’s stupid fucking painkillers. The stupid fucking painkillers that Gaara occasionally found himself missing with the nostalgic fondness one would usually reserve for an ex. 

This weaning mixed with Gaara’s naturally less than sunny disposition meant that his family’s gift was him being a dick for Christmas. Well, a dick would have been taking it lightly. In reality Gaara nearly threw a classic ‘temper tantrum’, as his father would have called it, on Christmas Eve when he summoned the three of them for a family meal and spent the entire night asking Gaara about his current mental state, the whole thing patronizing and painful. 

Then, as a gift, he was given a watch that would have probably been able to pay for rent for the next two years and a note offering Gaara a car so long as he ‘behaved’ for another year. It was like a punch in the fucking face. He threw the watch to the ground, calling it a worthless piece of shit watch from an asshole. Afterward, practically announcing to the house full of servants and a handful of family friends that there was the chance the big estate they were all on would end up in flames before New Years, which was not something his siblings, or Lee, would have approved of. 

Gaara left afterward, stalking off into an all too familiar cold and hiding out in the garden. It was reminiscent of his childhood to a degree that Gaara was almost uncomfortable with. At least, until he realized he had something now that he didn’t have then, a friend. He called Lee, who he knew was attending his own family Christmas, but Gaara had a sinking feeling that without him he would probably end up burning down the whole estate. 

Lee seemed happy when he picked up, laughing at something that was happening on his end, the sound of Lee’s laughter actually made him happy, more than anything, it helped Gaara remember that his father’s idea of him wasn’t who he was now. He was someone who was trying to be better, and very distinctly not like who he was the year before. 

_Gaara! Merry Christmas, everyone, will you please tell Gaara merry Christmas!_

A chorus of voices sounded, cheerful and laughing. 

_Merry Christmas, Gaara!_

It made him flush to his ears and ever so softly he managed to say it right back. He imagined what it was like on the other side of the phone, probably warm, with tons of decorations. Lee had mentioned that his dad enjoyed decorating, and if that man was anything like his son, which Gaara was sure he was considering how Lee seemed to admire him, then he was sure the decorating was over the top to a degree that would make Gaara uncomfortable. Despite that, he longed for that discomfort, he wanted to feel like he was in the wrong place because everyone was too kind instead of whatever this feeling of shitty belonging he felt when he returned to the house that had bred him. 

_Oh! I have to go. I am so sorry that I cannot stay longer Gaara, but someone has started a game apparently with the eggnog and I have to play so that the teams are even. Are you okay?_

Lee’s voice softened right at the end, a gentle need for confirmation that Gaara was alright, and he decided that he was. He would be fine because he wasn’t alone anymore. He hummed an affirmation to him, trying to ease Lee’s worries, but all too suddenly their quiet moment was interrupted by shouting in the background on Lee’s end and Lee insisting that he really did have to go. Gaara told him to have fun before he hung up. 

He stayed in the garden for a long time after that, watching the snowfall around him. It was always so beautiful in the garden, though nobody ever appreciated it. Hell, Gaara hadn’t either until just now. He wondered if he would ever feel peace without pressure, or if the two of them were intertwined within his spirit. It would be disappointing if they were, after all, how would he know if he was worthy of Lee? It wasn’t just about Lee though, it was about himself too. Himself and Temari and Kankurou. He needed to get better because there was the chance that Lee wouldn’t always be there and he didn’t need his siblings constantly picking up the pieces of all the fucked up shit he did. It was upsetting to think, imagining a life without Lee or the way that Temari and Kankurou really had been through Hell and back because of Gaara, but they had all been more of a help than they’d know. 

He sat there for a long time, introspective and critical. He was always saying he’d be better, but there was always some sort of pitfall right when things hit an upslope. Gaara sighed, finally checking his phone, the barrage of messages from Temari and Kankurou had hit the teens and his fingers were nearly numb with cold at this point. 

**Gaara you didn’t go out and actually get the stuff to burn the place down right?!**

**DONT BURN THE PLACE DOWN**

**YOURE BETTER THAN THIS DUDE**

**Kankurou is right, you don’t wanna give dad the satisfaction**

**IMAGINE HOW MUCH MONEY ITLL BE**

**THIS TIME YOULL BE MEGA FUCKED**

**Please stop being an idiot and just come back to us**

**i wont burn it down.**

**We’ll asap I swear**

The ride home from their father’s house was silent and Christmas Day was mostly spent asleep, as per tradition in their house. After such a long night no one actually wanted to try and act like a proper family. Even this year, when things were sort of different and yet still all the same. 

Gaara felt a vague sense of guilt in how he had acted, he knew that comments like that weren’t what was supposed to improve him, but he couldn’t help it. He tried to think on the positive, like had been suggested to him by every medical professional he had met, and considered how he _didn’t_ burn the estate to the ground, but really that was just scraping the bottom of the barrel. He had thought, back in November, that he would be good enough for Lee by New years. It had been so close, and yet just far away enough for it to be something almost unreal. Now, New Years was coming all too quickly. He wanted to apologize to Lee, but he knew that it wouldn’t make any sense. 

He thought back on how introspective he had been out in the garden and how his self awareness had hit a new, worrying height in the past nine months. Before was easier, his emotions made him erratic and didn’t prompt much thought outside of getting through a day without killing himself. 

Now though, now he had to live the life of someone with a future, and it gave him such an existential sort of dread. Never, until after he met Lee, did Gaara really think about having a future. Of course, he had wanted to live when he got out, but wanting to live and planning a future were two very different things. Somehow, some way, he managed to tell that to his therapist at their next appointment. It was strange, how it all seemed to pour out of him, like, all of these thoughts and words were choking him and he was finally _breathing_. Of course, he couldn’t get himself to admit everything, especially not when he had spent the last few weeks going to therapy to just sit there and sulk (pout) the whole time, but this time would be different. At least, he hoped so. 

He went once a week, just like with the old one. He spent about two hours talking about _Whatever comes to mind_ then went home, occasionally with homework. One sort of homework being writing about his feelings. It had felt embarrassing at first, Gaara had been embarrassed-hell, mortified would have honestly been the better term for it. It had been easier to just sit all the time with his mind constantly running, wondering about ‘what-if’s and horrible outcomes to situations, but to write them down and try to refute them. It was a different beast entirely. 

He started out writing every three days or so, he needed those three days to recharge from the embarrassment he was feeling, but slowly it became a habit. It was pleasant, seeing as Gaara had never been the best with verbally expressing himself, and the horrible sense of embarrassment he felt did slowly dissipate into a sense of protectiveness toward the book he wrote in that he refused to call a journal or diary. It was in that space of time, between Christmas and New Years, that Gaara wondered if group was even worth it anymore. He wrote about it often, and warmed himself into telling his therapist about Lee. Then, he told Lee about his therapist. 

He was proud, all smiles and pats on the back with a light flush on his cheeks that made Gaara want to grab them, he didn’t, of course. He couldn’t. He knew that if he let his hands touch Lee’s face he would end up pulling him into another kiss, maybe even trying to coerce him into more, but he couldn’t. Lee wasn’t the kind of person to go back on his word, and if he ahd wanted sex from Lee he probably would’ve gone after some other meathead who didn’t care that his whole body was covered in pale scars for entirely different reasons. 

But there was a catch. A catch that hurt to give, but was necessary nonetheless. 

_I won’t be going to group anymore._

Lee looked upset, and Gaara was told him that he still wanted to spend just as much time together, if not even more, as they had when he was going. He knew he couldn’t keep going though. Even after almost a year, he barely talked, and really only went so that Lee would take him out to eat afterward. Hell, group hadn’t actually helped him at all except for introducing him to the love of his life, which, he supposed, was a good enough help. That help didn’t need to exist anymore though, it was pointless. He and Lee had become more than their titles of sponsor and sponsee, and to continue the charade would be a waste of time for the both of them. 

It was strange to let all of that out. To confess to Lee in a way that wasn’t erratic. Hell, it was almost perfect even. Lee, of course, flustered at what Gaara said in an utterly Lee fashion, and all he could do was laugh. He was denied, but Lee promised him something that made him sure he could take a thousand more. 

_I will proudly await the day I can accept_

That day came two years later, two years of hard work and mutual pining and close calls and Gaara fighting with himself over and over again. Just for the chance to tell Lee that he loved him and have Lee say it back. It happened after work, Gaara now twenty-one and Lee’s twenty-fourth on the horizon of the approaching fall. He had said it as a joke, telling Lee that he loved him because Lee had offered to buy him dinner, and Lee said it back. 

Gaara stopped then, staring up at Lee who was beet red. There were no words exchanged then, simply two sets of eyes meeting and feet moving toward one another until Gaara was pulling Lee’s face down to kiss him. He was ferocious, taking what he had wanted since the day he realized he wanted Lee. The kiss was desperate, and a little bit sloppy, but it was also magic. Like lightning in a bottle. Gaara decided, then and there, in Lee’s arms, that he would never let him go, no matter what.


	11. Garden

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So originally I was gonna have an extra scene in this but I've gotta be up by 8am tomorrow so I guess there will be two parts of the epilogue, I hope you guys enjoy a far more light hearted Gaara panic and a little bit of drunk Lee!!

Gaara remembered the look that Lee gave him when they were at Temari and Shikamaru’s wedding. It was so small, so sweet, it made Gaara want to lean over and kiss him. He knew what the look meant. He may have been socially inept, but he had slowly, over the course of the last three years he spent being around Lee every chance he was given, learned to at least read his boyfriend. The look was an ‘I love you’, but not the regular one, not the kind Gaara got after a long day at work or when Shukaku ran out of the apartment for the fifth time that week and Gaara was sick of letting him back in. No, this was an ‘I love you’ built around something big, and there really wasn’t much big Lee could want, save for one thing. 

Marriage. 

At least, that was what Gaara assumed. It made the most logical sense, they were at a wedding after all, and Lee more specifically gave him _that_ look as they walked down the aisle arm in arm before separating. That look was actually what had left Gaara unable to pay complete attention during the vows, though he was sure they weren’t much to miss considering the way Temari and Shikamaru seemed to spend their entire relationship sniping at each other. 

Gaara imagined himself standing in front of everyone, pouring his heart out to Lee and solidifying their relationship as something that would take the law to end. He felt a chill run up his spine, or maybe a sense of electricity. He wasn’t totally sure. 

It was that sense of unsureness that left Gaara to avoid Lee for the rest of the ceremony, avoiding the inevitability of the two of them having to talk because Lee was the one who had driven them here. 

He made sure to stick by Temari and Kankurou initially, but that only lasted for so long. Kankurou and Kiba were apparently ‘on’ again, meaning that the two of them were already trying to sneak off somewhere to do who knows what, and Temari was the bride. She was too busy being fawned over by friends and Shikamaru’s family to even shame Gaara for playing Where’s Waldo with his boyfriend. It didn’t help anything that he and said boyfriend were sat right beside each other for the reception dinner. 

In his pre-dinner efforts to avoid Lee, and the possibility of even discussing a wedding, Gaara found himself even pressing himself to one of the lovely carved pillars as Lee seemed to be walking right past his hiding spot. He only realized, belatedly at that, that he was crushing one of the many flowers they had managed to string up all over the banquet hall after he felt a thorn stab him in the hand. 

It was then, muttering expletives and walking toward the men’s room, that Gaara was caught by Lee. He seemed frustrated looking at first, like he knew that Gaara had been avoiding him, which was not inaccurate in the slightest, but his expression quickly shifted to one of worry when he saw there was a thorn in Gaara’s palm. 

_Oh no! Gaara are you okay? Was there some sort of problem with the rose vines on the columns?_

Gaara looked at Lee properly for the first time since they had left the house this morning. His suit was still perfectly aligned, not even a button out of place, and his hair was actually slicked back for the wedding, he looked suave, in a way. The vest he wore beneath his suit was a royal purple and complimented his skin perfectly, and the small, white lily that he had tucked into his pocket made him look almost like a prince. Completely like and unlike his usual dopey hotness that Gaara praised in his head every day, and it left his head spinning a bit. 

He cleared his throat, hating that he was getting caught up in Lee’s looks despite the severity of the situation at hand. He looked down at his hand, blood slowly leaking down the side of his palm with a small thorn sticking out. 

_No but...I’ll be fine Lee, let me just clean up in the bathroom._

_Do you want me to get you a bandage while you are at it? You know, I usually have some on hand but….this is not my usual attire.._

_I know Lee, but really, you don’t need to. This isn’t the first time I’ve pricked myself._

He gave Lee a pat on the arm, too embarrassed by his behavior and the people around them to do anything more before rushing into the bathroom. It was lovely, reflectively clean with a soft looking couch right beside the door. It wasn’t his first time being in a bathroom nice as this one, though he also wouldn’t deny he felt a strange sense of comfort in them, having spent too many family occasions asleep on a loveseat similar to the one he was looking at now. 

He walked to the sink, squeezing the space around the thorn with his forefinger and thumb before pulling it out with his teeth. It was painful, it never wasn’t, but it also wasn’t unbearable enough for Gaara to feel the need to make a scene. 

In reality, Gaara could have lost an arm and still waited to bring it up, at least until the wedding was over. 

He ran a bit of water over the injury, surprisingly superficial for how much blood had come out of it earlier, and somehow he managed to make it out right before dinner was served. The meal was reasonably sized, mackerel with a side of vegetable soup, both of their favorites. 

It was sweet, and as Gaara stared into his soup, he imagined what Lee would want to serve at their wedding, though he knew that he wouldn’t be able to say yes to any sort of proposal anytime soon. He thought of how strange the menu would be if they, too, went with serving their respective favorite dishes. After all, nobody really seemed to enjoy the unique tenderness that salted tongue had. Well, nobody except for Lee, who had admitted that on occasion the salted tongue Gaara made did help him understand why it was his favorite food, though Gaara was sure it wouldn’t go well with curry. He could imagine everyone getting sick, or even only ordering curry and him being the only one to eat the tongue. The thought made him frown into a big chunk of carrot, and Lee was already to the rescue. 

Gently, he tapped Gaara's shoulder, snapping him out of his stupor and making him drop his spoon. Lee looked worried still, his brows drawn up in that way that made Gaara want to kiss the very, very faint crease that appeared between those giant black caterpillars. 

Lee opened his mouth to speak, but was quickly interrupted by Choji standing up, ready to make his best man speech. Gaara felt his heart seize up, fuck. That meant that he was most likely next, seeing as Temari had made him to be her ‘Maid of Honor’ because she _didn’t have any girl friends_. It wasn’t surprising, but when Gaara suggested Tenten, Temari said that the two of them never spent much time together save for the time spent with Lee and Gaara, and the look on her face told him that there was no way he would be able to get out of something like this unscathed. 

Choji’s speech was heartfelt and sweet in a way that made Gaara’s teeth hurt and Lee cry like a baby. He went on for about ten minutes about his friendship with Shikamaru and how him finding Temari made him so happy. It was strange to watch such a display of genuine vulnerability. Even after having been with Lee for so long, Gaara couldn’t get used to open displays of affection like Lee and his friends, more his boyfriend than his friends of course, but the point still stood. To watch Choji bear his love for his best friend to a room of practical strangers was unnerving and made Gaara even more anxious about giving his own speech. 

Gaara had to face silence after a deafening round of applause and a few tears from the groom himself. He stood there, looking at his sister and her new husband for a long while before finally pulling his speech from his pocket. His hands were clammy and shaky, and all he wanted was for this to be over already. He sighed, gripping the microphone tight in his hand. 

_...uh….Temari is a really good sister, she’s….smart...and reliable….apparently she’s pretty too...and Shikamaru makes her happy….even if he’s lazy and doesn’t seem to care about much._

Gaara felt himself relax as he saw everyone’s faces ease, though he was only focused on one really, Temari’s. 

They had been raised to just about never cry, even when she was giving her vows, Temari hadn’t even had a glossy eye, and Gaara admired that. Now though, she seemed to be getting emotional even when he had barely started his speech. 

_They care about each other, and I think that….love is something everyone should have, Temari especially. So, I hope you two cherish that_

Gaara quickly sat the microphone down, rushing back to his place beside Lee before his face got too red for him to be able to feel a sense of self respect. He looked down at his barely touched food, and suddenly he found himself starving. 

Temari was wiping her cheeks still when Kankurou went up, and his speech was much more heartfelt, though also less articulated and more threatening. Gaara found himself relaxed as the speeches went along. It was...honestly kind of sweet to see how many people cared about his sister, Shikamaru too. 

By the time the cake was being cut, Gaara was no longer scared of Lee and his eyes, instead he found himself feeling softer, his guard lowered from being full and seeing how everyone around him seemed to have nothing but goodwill. Temari had insisted upon smashing the cake into one another’s faces, something that Gaara couldn’t imagine being enjoyable, but he hadn’t expected that his sister would turn even her own wedding into a competitive endeavor. It was almost fun to watch, seeing how Shikamaru and her duked it out in order to avoid a face full of cake, though by the time they were done, the cake was served and people were seated. Shikamaru visibly relished in the sense of pride he took in having beaten Temari, and rather than being angry she seemed happy, too. 

Gaara imagined what it would be like to marry Lee, things would probably stay the same as they were now, except maybe they’d have fine china and new workout gear in the apartment. He took a bite from the cake, it wasn’t too sweet, and had a bitter quality that actually made him want more. He remembered Temari inviting him to cake tastings and vehemently refusing, and Gaara couldn’t help but feel a sense of comfort in the fact that she chose something he could enjoy. Lee seemed to have a similar sentiment about the cake, shoveling mouthful after mouthful as if it was going to disappear. After only two pieces though, Lee seemed off, his movements were far more languid than usual. 

Gaara watched the flush that Lee’s cheeks took on and it all clicked with one question. Leaning over to Temari, he asked, 

_Is there alcohol in the cake?_

Temari, who really hadn’t eaten much cake, nodded, before realization dawned on her face as well. He nodded a bit, already getting out of his seat and pulling Lee from his own as subtly as he could before things got too rowdy. 

Gaara could count the amount of times he had seen Lee drunk on one hand and this would be the second, the first having been a similar situation with sake filled chocolates that Neji had given to Gaara specifically as a gift that Lee had mistaken for a box from the same brand Neji gifted to him around the same time. He had been cute, a bit clumsy, but cute nonetheless. Even still, Gaara had heard enough tales about drunk Rock Lee that he knew it was better to leave than to possibly experience anything bad happening at the wedding. 

Lee was already slurring out goodbyes and when he waved his arm swung out in such a way it nearly hit Gaara. It was then that Gaara realized they didn’t actually have a way to get home. He hadn’t ever been taught to drive a car, and with Lee indisposed there was no one to take their- well, Lee’s-shitty little station wagon home. 

They stood outside of the venue, Gaara watching Lee as he jumped and danced around, singing some song under his breath while Gaara decided to get an Uber. He would just ask someone to drop it off in the morning. It was almost a saving grace that they were leaving, after the cake was supposed to be dancing, and neither Gaara nor Lee actually danced. Gaara feared the embarrassment and Lee just got ‘too into it’ as some would say. 

Lee looked at him as he shoved his phone into his tuxedo pocket, already loosening his tie. He had that same look in his eye that he did earlier. It was sugary sweet and loving in the way that made Gaara feel warm all over. 

He remembered the last time he saw that look, it was when Lee had suggested they move in together. They had been wrapped up under Gaara’s bedsheets, clothes discarded and Lee’s warm skin against his own. Then, Kankurou had barged in, leaving Lee to hide under the blanket like a scared child until Gaara could scare him into leaving. They laughed about it after a while, and it was with that look in his eye that Lee asked Gaara to get a place with him. 

Gaara held that morning with such a fondness. It had been the start of their beautiful, far more private, life together, and now Lee was giving him that same look, after a wedding, while drunk. It wasn’t the best circumstances, especially not when Gaara was sure he wouldn’t be what a husband should, especially not a husband that Lee deserved. Lee walked over to Gaara, wrapping his strong, somehow even more toned arms around him and holding him close. He took in Lee’s smell, still inexplicably himself as always. He smiled into the fabric of his jacket, nuzzling his face into the crook of his shoulder. 

_Gaara-hic-I want...to ask you something_

Lee was slurring, and in any other circumstance Gaara would be giggling, but instead he felt himself go rigid. He quickly twisted out of his arms, setting a clear physical distance between them as he panickedly mumbled out to Lee that he needed water. 

_You need water first-I should-You need to stay there while I get it_

Was all Gaara said before bolting back inside. It was easier to slip back inside than he had expected, but people were really too busy dancing to even notice all 5’6 inches of Gaara scrambling to get a glass of water. He went out as quickly as he had entered, practically shoving the glass of water into Lee’s face. He stared at it for a moment, before turning his head. 

_I don’wanit_

Gaara was appalled, but tried again nonetheless. 

_I said I don’wanit_

This time Lee crossed his arms. 

Gaara gaped. 

Who the hell was this and what had he done with his agreeable, sweet, kind hearted boyfriend?! He would have been angrier if not for the fact that Lee didn’t even seem to remember he was trying to ask Gaara something….serious. So, Gaara drank the water for himself. It had been a long night anyway. 

The fight to get Lee into the Uber and into the apartment was something unexpected, but at least once they were home Gaara could strip out of the suit that seemed to have super glued itself to his skin. He already knew that Lee was a beast to be tamed, and he couldn’t imagine committing into any more physical exertion in that damned suit, especially not when they had rented them. 

Gaara ended up having to sit right on Lee’s abdomen in order to undo the tie and vest, but after that it was all Lee. It was surprising that he still had enough dexterity to undo the tiny buttons on the inside of the vest, even more surprising that not one of them was damaged, and suddenly Gaara was back to thinking about a wedding between the two of them. It would probably have a bar, but they definitely wouldn’t have a booze cake, though he probably should have expected something like that when Temari bragged and bragged about having a child free wedding. 

He removed himself from his thoughts to check on Lee, who had fallen asleep with his shirt wide open. His abs were just as prominent as ever, and his body was such a lovely shade of brown. He loved how Lee looked gorgeous no matter what he was doing, especially now that he had learned to turn his jealousy into pride. After all, he and Lee were together, and it was nice to be proud of his partner for being so attractive. Gaara sighed, if things had gone his way, he and Lee would be in the bedroom instead of out on the couch with one of them asleep. 

For a moment, he considered going to the bedroom himself, leaving Lee out in the living room with just a blanket, but he could imagine the hurt on his face when he woke up, and suddenly the idea was no longer as appealing. Lee had softened him in that way, made him more sympathetic and emotional. Gaara stood from the couch, walking to the bedroom to pull their blanket from the bed and instead curling up against Lee’s ever warm body. 

Sleep still didn’t come easily to him, but listening to Lee’s breathing and small snorts while he slept was enough to at least sooth him into relaxing his constantly rigid body for a while. 

In the morning, Gaara found himself waking up to the feeling as Lee trying to move out from under him and the startled face of his boyfriend when Gaara asked what he was doing. Lee, animated as always, said that he was going to make coffee, and really that was all he had to say. 

He got up from the couch, taking the time that Lee took ‘making coffee’, really a codeword for making breakfast, to water his plants. His collection had spread throughout their entire place, painting it in various shades of green. Lee seemed enthralled by the growth tracking app Gaara had on his phone, and he was all too happy to tell him which plants were doing well. He smiled, remembering all the mornings he and Lee had spent talking about the plants, all for the sake of Gaara’s happiness. It was sweet. 

Lee had always been sweet, throughout the entirety of their relationship and before it. He really was the perfect guy, would probably be the perfect husband, too. Gaara suddenly tensed as he realized what the hell he had just thought, and suddenly he felt hot all the way down to his neck. Of course he had understood that Lee was a fantastic partner, but to consider the idea of the two of them getting married seriously was…..shocking to say the least. 

Then, he remembered that Lee had something serious he had to ask him, and before Gaara could pull himself together he was being called for coffee. Lee was already laying out Gaara’s plate, scrambled eggs and toast with about six sausages, and a similar meal for himself. The only time Lee seemed particularly eating large amounts of food was in the morning, but Gaara didn’t mind. He had long learned to accept all of Lee’s eccentricities. 

_About last night,_

Gaara choked, and realized one eccentricity of Lee’s that was both a blessing and a curse, his bluntness. 

_I want to say that I am sorry. I hope that my crass behavior did not ruin Temari’s wedding_

Gaara somehow managed to choke down his egg that lodged itself in his throat, shaking his head. 

_I think that you’re fine. Temari barely seemed to notice you when we left, and you didn’t make a very big scene in front of anyone._

Lee let out a sigh of relief. 

_That is good news. Even still, I apologize that you had to see me that way. Had I known the cake was…._

_Spiked?_

Gaara supplemented. 

Lee nodded. 

_I would not have eaten any of it._

Gaara nodded, giving Lee a faint smile. It seemed like he was finally out of the clear, until Lee spoke again. This time, Gaara was taking a bite out of his sausage. 

_By the way, I wanted to ask you a very important question, if you do not mind_

_I have been putting a lot of thought into this...and I have not found anything definite, but I wanted to know what you thought of getting a pet_

Gaara wanted to faint, or maybe scream. Lee had been teasing him with the thought of something big, all because he wanted to get a pet. Of course. It was the most utterly Lee thing he could have done, even still, Gaara found himself with a strange sense of disappointment. He had spent the last twelve hours worrying himself about the possibility of the two of them getting married when that hadn’t even been something that was being considered. He almost felt like he’d been tricked, even still, all he could come out with was, 

_Oh._

_Does that mean you do not want to?_

Lee frowned, frowned in that way that made Gaara want to kiss him. 

_I have seen the way that you look at alleycat nearby. I thought that maybe you would want to try to take it in...I apologize if I was I wrong?_

Gaara shook his head, smirking a bit at his own ridiculousness. 

_That sounds great Lee..I just thought.._

The idea was funny, in a stupid, sad way. 

_I thought you were about to propose_

Lee practically leapt from his chair, sputtering a mess of ‘what’s and ‘dear gosh’s as his ears flushed to a shade of red that would have very easily rivaled Gaara’s hair. 

_Gaara-I-You-Pro-propose?! Would you-I-we_

Lee fumbled all over himself until Gaara interrupted him, feeling his pride absolutely shot. 

_It was a silly thought. I don’t know why I thought it, I think it was because you seemed like you needed to talk about something, and getting a pet is very serious, but...I’m not sure._

Lee was still just as flustered but, ever so meekly, he managed to ask a question. 

_Would you….like to get engaged?_

It was Gaara’s turn to fluster now, and, somehow, ever so softly, he managed to say yes. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hi kudos, comments, etc are greatly appreciated and there is a 99% chance that if you comment I'll reply.
> 
> @tamyura_on twt  
> @porcelain_babies on insta


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